Hello, it’s me again in need of some clean woodworking jokes for a presentation I have coming up. Any help would be appreciated, thanx again…
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define "clean"...
Spheramid Enterprises Architectural Woodworks
Repairs, Remodeling, Restorations.
ask IMERC.although I'm not sure he has any clean ones......Boss Hog may be yer man.
My life is my practice!
http://CLIFFORDRENOVATIONS.COM
Morn'n Andy... Were ya been hiding??? Can't post what I gots...
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
IMERC
Puter problems.thats where I've been hiding.
HAve one puter resolved with my ISP.don't even ask.
Sent back my sony to be fixed "already"! First week.
Off to Montreal (Quebec) tomorrow for a week of skiing in the Laurention Mtns at Club Tremblant. A nine hour drive......I know,9 hours is nothing to you or Luka.lol.
Warms up here on the right coast this week and where am I going? To below zero wheather...OK.theres a joke. Last year I walked out of my room to the jeep and the thermometer in the Jeep said 19 below zero.....my nose hairs were frozen.
Be well my brother
andyMy life is my practice!
http://CLIFFORDRENOVATIONS.COM
That's were Dino works his winters away.... Now there's a cool dude...
Gawd you're rough on technology.....
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
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Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
So now we know your sources, or did we just learn their source?
Just found it today.... looking into copywrite laws as we speak....
I'll be rich....
I guess that means the ex will be showing up soon....
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
thank you so very much for the sources
after this week I needed a few good laughs
thanks again
Carpenter working on the job, struggling with a difficult detail, when another tradesman walks in with a armload of wire and tools. Carpenter: "Hey, are you the electrician? Can you get these shorts out of my azz?"
Edited 2/13/2004 1:39:31 PM ET by davidmeiland
A preacher, a carpenter, and a contractor all showed up at the Pearly Gates together. St. Peter met them there, and said, "Good. Welcome. I've got an addition I've been meaning to get done on God's guest house. God will be paying the bill, but I am handling everything. Can you each give me bids?"
The preacher, who had worked on various construction projects for his flock and the needy for many years, looked at the plans and said, "I'll do this job for free and pay for the $5,000 that I estimate the materials to cost out of my own pocket, since I've never received a dime for any of my previous work.
St. Peter nodded and smiled, then looked at the carpenter. The carpenter looked at the plans and said, "If the materials are going to cost $5,000, I'll do it for $5,000 plus a very small labor and overhead charge of $500."
St. Peter then looked at the contractor. The contractor didn't even look at the plans, and said, "$15,500." St. Peter sputtered, "$15,500?!?! What for?"
The contractor replied, $5,000 for the materials, $500 to hire the carpenter and the preacher, $5,000 for me, and $5,000 kickback to you."
There was this woman who got a bar of soap stuck in h..... Naw, can't tell that one.
Posting at Breaktime should not be a full-contact sport.
quittintime
There was this hooker, carpenter and a lawyer. The lawyer starts....
Say what Luka??? Okay won't post that one either.....
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
Wouldn't you mean a hooker, a window washer, and a janitor ?
He wants clean jokes...
Free controversy. While you wait.
quittintime
That one would fly but not here... After the carpenter nailed the .....er the lawyer drilled ..... er.... Okay so the layer met his demise in the "end" and the world became a cleaner place.... Whew....
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains h! er situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
____________________________________________________
Old Age
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup.
_________________________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said :
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
__________________________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year ol d Betsy bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Betsy thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
____________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
____________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.! The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous .
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and t hey went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my. Am I driving?"
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
There were some pretty good ones in this thread from a long time ago.
http://forums.taunton.com/tp-BREAKTIME/messages?msg=27381.1
Kevin Halliburton
"I believe that architecture is a pragmatic art. To become art it must be built on a foundation of necessity." - I.M. Pei -
Two cannibals were sitting by the fire one evening, enjoying anice meal. One cannibal said to the other, " Gee, your wife makes great soup!" "Yes," the other one replied, "but I'm sure gonna miss her!"
How did the construction worker try and impress their date? With their fab-u-lous building skills!
why my jokes is not appearing here ?