How to keep your construction project from pushing the homeowners to the breaking point
The conflicts that arise between builders and quarreling couples are sufficiently acute that one North Carolina counseling group, Jared and Alice Massanari, has developed a practice focused on assisting couples in resolving construction conflicts, and on encouraging builders to help couples anticipate potential problems. They wrote a small book, Building a House Together: A Couple’s Guide to Managing Their Relationship During the Construction Process that a builder can buy in bulk and give to couples at the outset of construction to help them understand what’s coming, what’s likely to create tension between them, and how to resolve conflicts without causing project delays and extra costs.
My experience in building for diabolical duos includes the all-too-common spouses that never talk to each other, so you end up having to communicate everything twice, and one California twosome that required a dramatic floor-plan revision toward the final stages of building their dream home: We had to add another bedroom, as now husband and wife would no longer share a bed!
There’s no way to avoid all the potential pitfalls of dealing with couples, but the following commonsense communication strategies have helped me to overcome the most common issues.
Choose a designated spokesperson. I always request, within my contract, that one family representative be chosen with whom I can discuss any issues related to the project. This doesn’t always work out as easily as it should, however. For example, one spouse may be in charge of design decisions while another handles the contract and payments. This creates a dangerous split between the one that spends and the one that pays.If there are two homeowners, require two signatures on every change order.
Have weekly meetings. I touched on this during my last blog on client communication, but the weekly meeting has worked especially well when both partners are contractually required to attend. This may be the only time they actually discuss the project together. Some people deal with stress by withdrawing, and it’s not uncommon for one spouse to spend more time at work and to avoid the job site, allowing the other to take the reins, only to circle back when something goes wrong and to blame the active partner. Beware–this is how you get into the middle of their conflict. Requiring both to attend weekly meetings can short-circuit this pattern by forcing equal participation.
Be considerate, especially in a remodeling project. If the family cannot move to another location while you’re working, it’s important for your entire crew to understand that your clients’ home is not just a job site. Even when building new, as soon as the framer stands a few walls, your clients will consider the living room to be their living room, the bedroom to be their bedroom, and they won’t want your electrician putting out cigarette butts on the sheathing any more than they would on their carpet. Not starting work too early, or ending the day late, not working weekends, and respecting special events such as family birthdays give your clients space to recover from the stress of strangers in their home and, most of all, to feel respected.
Never take sides. Individual spouses often look for support when quarreling. I try to avoid voicing my opinion when my views clash with one of them. Instead, I offer to provide a third or fourth option for consideration. This way I become a vehicle for resolution, a kind mediator, rather than a protagonist in their battle. This takes discipline because sometimes one spouse is right and the other is wrong, and you could easily take sides. But the best position for the contractor remains outside the argument entirely.
Blame it on the architect. Many relationship problems touch on space itself. People in proximity grate on one another, but a thoughtfully designed floor plan will accommodate even contrasting needs, such as the proverbial man cave, or meditation rooms that offer an escape from interpersonal stress. If a couple cannot agree on colors and design choices, you may have to find a designer who can creatively resolve these differences to every one’s liking and to your relief.
I’d love to hear about your experience working with couples and what strategies have worked in your company.
Fine Homebuilding Recommended Products
Fine Homebuilding receives a commission for items purchased through links on this site, including Amazon Associates and other affiliate advertising programs.
Reliable Crimp Connectors
Affordable IR Camera
8067 All-Weather Flashing Tape
Any builder reading this already knows that dealing with stressed-out couples ranks pretty high on the contractor's stress scale, but there are ways to keep the peace between spouses and to improve your odds of avoiding builder-relationship burnout.
View Comments
This is really insightful - very poignant advice.
I don't build houses anymore for people, however, I just finished one with my wife. My second wife.
The first marriage did not survive the house building process.
I would be happy to share a strategy we used to get through the process, and actually wanting to live in the completed, complicated 4 year project, together.
Its never a picnic...
Dear MikeFitzpatrick,
We would love to hear your strategies, especially with unsuccessful and then successful experiences in your resume. Please do tell.
FPR
We had a not so standard situation - I was the builder and 1/2 owner of the project. This was helpful for the money savings part, but not so great as I was the EXPERT. I've built several homes for myself in my lifetime, but with 5 years or more in-between my houses, with technology and building sciences advancing, it was as if I was a beginner each time. The idea of being an expert in a trade that was a moving target was ridiculous. I had convinced my 2nd wife to take the leap with me.
We started by interviewing architects - looking for someone who was paying attention to designing for two people that need to co-habitate; not someone trying to set design records for trade journals. And, someone who was compassionate and understood many of the difficulties you pointed out in your well thought out and accurate article.
Since I had been through this tragically, unsuccessfully before I was very cautious and questioning why I would take this chance again. BUT, I thought if we had a good agreement going in, we may be able to pull it off.
Our architect was hired as an Architect and a Marriage Counselor. We sat down and took the entire 4 year project and divided it up into compartments. My wife was in charge of colors, plumbing fixtures, lighting, appliances, tile, among other things - I was in charge of structure, space, manufacture, design, mechanical systems, floors, stairs and other things. We tried to divide the project so each was an equal participant, but had a very large component to the outcome. The intent was to have the utmost confidence in our architect, who's design and skill we believed in to bring us the best house, collectively we could achieve. Collective vision driven by the guy who laid it all out. As a builder, I've had some run in's with architects. But, this guy I was willing to let have the keys.
Any design decision had to be cleared by Josh (Josh Fenollosa of Brown/Fenollosa in Arlington MA). This meant that Jean (my wife) and Josh would go tile and lighting shopping together. If Jean wanted something that may not fit the overall design, she would slug it out with him, not me. If I had a problem with the location of a wall, it was him and I negotiating, not Jean and I.
The critical part of our agreement was to not interfere with each others choices if Josh thought it would work. Tile and lights would show up on the job and I would ask where they go, no argument, no fight. If Jean walked in and saw the AC units moved, the kitchen redesigned, or the trim details changed, she trusted the outcome. We had enough to discuss (and fight at times) about money, timing, and all the problems that arise building a house. Arguing about everything else would have been too much. This plan was working for us, and our architect was leading the charge.
There are parts of this house I would have never chosen. EVER. Same with Jean. But, they work cohesively with a smart design by an architect who paid attention to what each of us needed in a house that was being lived in by two people who have different living requirements.
After about a year of living here I am quite happy with the process and the result. Nothing is ever perfect, but this process worked for us, and we live in a nice comfortable house and feel with confidence, that we built it together, with our Architect.
We might not have had the same success, had we not had the right architect. I never thought the architect would be as important, but for us, he was worth the money, and has become a trusted, sacred, friend.
sf