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Rich,
That’s one of the many reasons I divorced mine . . .
But seriously, in my humble opinion it comes down to communication. Contractor’s homes are like the shoemaker’s kid’s – not finished until sold. Talk to her and treat her like a customer – get her involved with the planning, delegate the work and phases – get it in writing if that feels better – then schedule it and just do the darn thing. If she truly understands, then there won’t be a problem and you’ll have a new dialog started.
(Why do I feel like I’m gonna get a lot of heat on this one?)
Good luck!
Replies
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You guys are soooooo funny.....FIYO, BEATRIX, I need some help here!
Seriously though, it's not really a gender thing, it's a spouse thing. My nearest and not-always-dearest is reasonably competent when pushed, but pushing takes a mid-sized nuclear blast. But boy, do the "honey, you should"s come trippingly off his tounge. And he keeps forgetting that I TOLD him it would take XX months (working weekends around the munchkin).
Communication is indeed the key. If your Lady wants to build the deck, let her build the d**n deck! You guys design it together (you both live there, right?), write out the specs, give her all the books/manuals she needs, remind her - nicely! - of how long it took YOU to learn how to do stuff (or tell her all those stories of how many projects you messed up when you were learning), be supportive but insist on the quality job just as she would, and stand back.
But, it sounds like she knows something about it all already, so you're complaining about having free help?
Just to keep the testosterone level down in all the rest of you, shall we now go on to discuss cleaning, cooking (except for Mongo), childrearing (the unfun parts like chauffering, nursemaiding, cleaning up before, during, and after, feeding of vegetables, and those nappies), and the rest?
:-)
*So what's the real problem? She wants to build a deck. Not hard. Not picky. You guys can, or she can do this! My wife and I want to build a deck, just can't afford wood right now. Why doesn't she want to mud and tape? Doesn't everybody need a piece of nirvana in their lives?Dog
*Per! Long time to hear! How's the new family member? Still getting up for those 2 am feedings?
*
Gee, I guess they already got to MadDog. I mean, who's side is he on? Hee hee.
It would be less of an issue if she truly desired top drawer work. Rather, her desire is to get it done; that is more important to her than what it should actually look like. My desire is to make it last and to look beautiful. WHEN it's done is way down at the bottom.
Lisa is right about communication being king. Let's go team!
*
1) Keep your subscriptions up-to-date on all Taunton publications and overwhelm her with all the literature on her topics at hand. 2) Keep your fingers crossed. 3) And just remember, you never like that house that much anyway :)
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Rich,
It seems to me that you've already answered your own question. You
b are
about to build a deck! :-). She's already started it, soon,as I've said before in another thread, you'll be saying, "No, no....that's not how to do it...here Honey..let me.........". So, your wife will be happy because "she built the deck" and you'll be happy because "you built the deck" and together you will both have the deck that you want and can be proud of!
So...stop grumbling and consider yourself a lucky man,(there aren't too many of us that are not afraid to get our hands dirty) , and
b build that deck!
Then christen it with a great bottle of wine together!
Beatrix
*Must beat raw herring. yech, I don't know what's with those Dutch people.Everyone's showing up again. this must be a sign that the economy's tanking. Wait a minute, gotta call my broker... No, wait, maybe it's just that summer's over (sigh).
*GALS, let's suppose for a moment that Rich's assessment of his wife is accurate. She, like mine, doesn't want to be "assigned" the grunt work, and doesn't really have the skill to do the advanced stuff without being talked through it so that it takes ten times as long and makes her feel like he's being condescending. I respect and love my wife, but it took her a surprising amount of time before she realized what a grind most of what I do is.I'm really glad I got her to do a lot of things she was afraid of and never tried before, like using a circular saw, drill, router, etc. to build a (rather handsome) built-in bookcase. But she's moved on to non-carpentry stuff that she's more interested in now, and she keeps acting like being 6 mos. pregnant is some sort of excuse to avoid lifting 80 lb. bags of concrete... (I'm kidding ... but she is pregnant, beautiful sonogram yesterday.) And if she likes picking out paint chips, even if that is a bit of a gender stereotype, fine.Rich, just map out the number of hours each stage of the project will take. If she still wants to do it, work out a schedule and explain your other fall obligations -- which i hope are more than watching football games! Don't argue or tell her you think she's not going to follow through, she'll kill you (do get a nice blue tarp to cover up the pile of lumber that may be out there all winter -- mine was). Let her mess stuff up, you can fix it later (maybe when she's visiting her mother, that's when I do it). ASK her before offering suggestions along the way, so it sounds less like imposed criticism.It sounds like she's having fun, and of course you will eventually find the time to finish. You sound like a nice guy who can cope with this.
*Hey....don't knock raw, salted herring unless you've tried it! When my relatives come over from Holland, that's the first thing they must produce....they buy it that day, just before hopping on the plane.....there's no conversation until the last herring is gone ....slathered in raw onions.....followed by plenty of water and beer afterwards...then we talk to them!Beatrix
*I HAVE tried it, right off a street vendor's cart in Amsterdam! And I'd rather, well, swallow a number of other things before I would do that again. I don't do oysters, either.
*I guess it's like a pregnancy craving....can't explain it, but you know that you justb haveto have it! Sounding familiar about now??Beatrix
*Well, Beatrix--mind if I call you Aunt Bea?--you've hit it right on the head. Whatta' woman, no verbal loitering for you. You cut right to the chase; I will be building that deck--that is, rebuilding it the next time she goes to NY to visit our daughter.I think I'll open a bottle right now, care to join me?
*This is our second -- it's deja vu all over again. Except milder. I'm glad I don't these things called "hormonal swings." Men, for all their faults, do have tediously consistent natures. Each day, it's "which wife will we be today, sweetie?"I exaggerate. With the first child, she threw up ... every ... single ... day. She'd do the eat-the-saltines thing every morning to try to control the nausea. Munch, munch, munch. It was like waking up to find a gerbil in your bed. I'm supportive ... but still sarcastic ... :)
*Yes Lisa, I'm back. Actually, I've been checking in every couple of days all summer, but I've just been a bit too busy chasing 4 kids around (they now outnumber us 2 to 1!), going on vacation, going to camp, etc. etc. And no, I'm not up for 2AM feedings yet, because I don't have the right equipment to be of any use. As forherring, I have to say I'm not a big fan of the Dutch consuption method. Back in the land of the Sauna & Absolut, we at least fillet them, cut them into bite sized pieces, and pickle them. Eat them by itself, or on an open-faced sandwich. Yum yum. Often at breakfast. Seems perfectly normal compared to the PBJ's my kids eat!
*
Rich:
In response to one of Andrew's posts: you SHOULD just watch
football games all fall while she builds the deck! Make
sure you have plenty of friends over and drink a lot of beer
too. Andrew is obviously delusioned about this due to wife's
pregnancy, and the fact that the Redskins and Ravens STINK.
As a bonus, then she can't blame you if it doesn't turn out how she
wanted it!
Mad (divorced once) Dog
xxxx
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Aunt Bea?? I don't think so! That's what my nieces and nephews call me, only they're too young to remember the original. Short, plump, buck teeth, but oh soooooo sweet! I'm only sweet! ;-) I'll never turn down a glass of wine-pour away!
I had a marriage proposal from one of the Dads yesterday when I flew in at the last minute to pick up my kids from school, covered in polyurethane caulking.....his wife was out "doing lunch... again"!... Enjoy your deck!!
Andrew...here's my best advise....she's always right!!
Beatrix
*
Per, wadda ya mean, you don't have the right equipment?! Ya got arms, right? So carry the little wretch over, plump the pillows, a little back rub would go a loooong way.....
I feel for you though, I really do. I only have the one and she has me outnumbered at least six to one! I have found this board to be my bastion of sanity (and ain't THAT a scary thought...). Any time you need help with that pickled herring, let me know. Herring and straight vodka, yum yum. One of the two things my step-dad and I can actually talk about.
Andrew, my deepest condolences to your lady. I remember that 24/7/9 "morning" sickness!! Foot rubs will get you a spot in Heaven...
*Rich, You know my wife used to do the same kind of thing. Half way thru many projects I'd hear her intone, hah look at what I've done and guess what I'm going to do next! Drove me nuts. All I can say is, hang in there and keep your batteries charged.
*
No kidding, Bill; it drives me batty trying to keep up with her. It's like we're on the fast track, like we have the tightest schedule ever devised. On the other hand, it must drive her bonkers waiting, waiting, waiting for me to get done with the planning already and shopping for materials. Bless her heart, she has the patience of Job.
Maybe we should take this over to the tavern, out of earshot of the gals. I'll buy the first one.
*Sheesh ... marriage advice on a contractor's forum ... pretty soon this'll be called the "The Single Builders Club."
*No, NoYa gotta build more'n one to qualify, otherwise yer a DIYer.. . . they hang out elsewhere.-pm
*Alright I admit it, my wife and I do construction work together. I no more than have to say that it's too hard for her to pull mud or pack rock up the stairs and she's doing it. She's pretty, hard working, hot tempered and prefers her skil saw Porter Cabled with a 6" blade on the saw boss. Seriously get her a skil saw like that, make sure she knows where her fingers are, and watch the sawdust fly. During a brief stint at a lumber yard, so I could convince the bank to give me a loan on a house, I'd draw multicolor idiot-proof deck plans.Joe
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My husband and I operate a custom residential construction business. Please give the gentle gender credit for contributing the details to make the project complete. He pounds nails and whatever else they do to build a house, and I do the rest. Although we both meet with the customer. Right now I have desk piled high with paperwork, and he is watching TV. I am also leaning from all the guys that post ideas and messages on this site. Dutifully, I relay what I have learned to him. We have been doing this for 25 years and I would not want to do anything else.
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I've been there too, Rich.
My wife always wants to help with things. But if I try to explain something to her, she thinks I'm trying to talk down to her. If I don't explain something to her, she thinks I'm trying to make things hard for her.
I'm not sure I've met a woman yet who isn't afraid of heights. Is this common to all women ? How about you, Lisa ?
*(grunt) Lisa not fear nothing (grunt)
*She like foot rubs but is also very ticklish... This pregnancy is so much easier than the other one.
*
Thanks Andrew. Actually, I love heights, but I WON'T go into small, cramped, constrictive places - SHUDDER! Which works out well because my other third is just the opposite - so HE gets to retrieve the semi-rotten things from under the deck. I'll clean gutters any day. I haven't ever noticed a gender connection to a fear of heights, but then, I haven't been looking....
As to the general discussion, I also notice that women tend to be paranoid about condecension when doing "man-things", but then, our society does give them very good reason for being so...I also notice that men tend to react similarly about learning "women-things." Trying to explain the subtleties of cooking to my non-cooking spouse gets the same reaction...or sewing...
I guess the thing would be to just talk about this, before the project starts. Maybe 'trade' skills - you learn how to do something she usually handles. Or include your kids/grandkids/neighbor kids, and teach them too.
*
With all due respects to "A tribute to a wife". You guys and gals, ya' gotta' help me. Right at this moment my wife is out measuring for a new deck over the existing front porch on our '50's ranch. Shh...here she comes (hi honey---dum de dum dum) Okay, the coast is clear. She wants the deck but I'm busy with other stuff. She's gonna' go ahead with it. I haven't...Hi honey, me? oh, nothing...okay, she's gone. I haven't yet convinced her that building is not just pounding nails.
She's after me to assign a project for each weekend, but she doesn't want to mud and tape and she is afraid of heights. so no 'rock work or roof/facia work. Now, that I think about it, she is like some helpers I have known; she likes to start the projects but doesn't want to be bothered with the punchlists.
If I don't give her the big stuff, she thinks I'm patronizing. If I give her the big stuff, I'm afraid of what it might look like and I might not want to walk across, sit on, or lean against it.
Woe is me, how do you guys handle this?
*Has she got all the firewood done already?
*Hey Rich - want to trade wives? My beloved says "Build me a house. I'll be at the beach if you need me!" The other day she held some windows in place while I got the first couple of nails in the fins. Complained about sore muscles for a week. When she does do something she will not accept any critisism. If you wife is like mine you are going to have to live with what ever she builds. Then again, she just might fool you.
*Rich,That's one of the many reasons I divorced mine . . .But seriously, in my humble opinion it comes down to communication. Contractor's homes are like the shoemaker's kid's - not finished until sold. Talk to her and treat her like a customer - get her involved with the planning, delegate the work and phases - get it in writing if that feels better - then schedule it and just do the darn thing. If she truly understands, then there won't be a problem and you'll have a new dialog started.(Why do I feel like I'm gonna get a lot of heat on this one?)Good luck!
*GawdThis sounds soooo familiar. .. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.I have the added bonus of living with a professional potter. She grabs a lump of clay, throws it down on her wheel and, oh, 20 secs later has another beautiful piece waitin for the finishing touches.She worked right alongside me when we built our little hide-away cabin many moons ago, but has forgotten all the planning, and labour that went into it.I feel yer pain, Rich, I really do!!-pm
*Yes, you are truly in deep do-do. My better half has a "list" longer than my roofline of things that really "must be done". Her approach to actually getting stuff done is a bit like Steve's companion....want it done/too busy to help/I'll hire someone to do it if you don't finish. I'm sure this sounds very sexist, but sometimes I'm at my wits end. But, I think tolerance and communicating is the best fix. Let her do the big stuff, but be there to make sure it's done right. Then she'll understand why just fixing it up doesn't mean a quick superficial make-over. You also have to keep in mind that it works in reverse too. What I consider to be adequate furnishing & decorating is about as palatable to my sweet as barbequed herring.
*Did I hit a sore spot or what? Within 1.5 hours--except for that latecomer Patrick--of posting there were 5 responses. That's funny Tedfrd: working up a written contract with the wife. I can see it now, we're in court explaining it to the magistrate. She's saying I abandoned the job and I'm saying it's not to code. Hardy har har.Actually, Steve, before we got married, she designed and built a doghouse for my beloved pooch. At least, I think it was for Sam. Anyway, I was amazed that she could plumb cut the rafters by eye and sink a 16d in three whacks. That d'house was a friggin' mansion.Hey, now that I think of it, maybe she's gotten soft being married and all. Let me go check her palms, be right back...yep, no callouses. Maybe it's me; I'm way too easy on her. "HEY! Cinderella, get back to work!" Yep, after she splits and stacks those 3 cords sittin' out back, she can get busy patching the stucco and residing the front and hanging a new garage door and prep the house for paint and... I think I'll go pretend to vacuum.
*Steve I didn't know my first wife got remarried. I guess you know who doesn't own the house on the beach.