*
Thought the guys and gals that read these pages
How to Wash a Cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo
to the toilet water, and have both
toilet lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while
you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat
in the toilet and close both lids (you
may need to stand on the lid so that he
cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get
any part of your body too close to the
edge, as his paws will be reaching out
for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four
times. This provides a “powerwash and
rinse” which I have found to be quite
effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the
outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the
outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as
you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad
day when you just need to take it out on someone!!!
Don’t take that bad day out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you DON’T know!!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I
remembered a phone call I had to make. I found
the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is
Patrick Hanifin, and could I please speak to
Robin Carter?” Suddenly, the phone was slammed
down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could
be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct
number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong
number still on my desk. I decided to call it
again. When the same person once more answered,
I yelled “You’re a jackass!!” and hung up. Next
to his phone number I wrote the word “jackass”,
and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills,
or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d
answer, and I’d yell, “You’re a jackass!!” It
would always cheer me up. Later in the year, the
phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
disappointment for me. I would have to stop
calling the jackass.
Then one day, I had an idea. I dialed his number,
then heard his voice,”Hello.” I made up a name.
“Hi, this is the sales office of the phone company,
and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar
with our caller ID program?” He went, “No!” and
slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, “That’s because you’re a jackass!?”
The reason I took the time to tell you this story,
is to show you how if there’s ever anything really
bothering you, you can do something about it. Just
dial 823-4863.Keep reading, it gets better.
This old lady at the mall really took her time
pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think
she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began
to move, and she started to very slowly back out
of the spot. I backed up a little more to give
her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought,
she’s finally leaving. All of the sudden, this
black Corvette came flying up the parking isle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I
started honking my horn and yelling, “You can’t
just do that buddy. I was here first!” The guy
climbed out of his Corvette and completely
ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he
didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, this
guy’s a jackass. There sure are a lot of
jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a
“For Sale” sign in the back window of his car.
I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.
A couple of days later, I was at home sitting
at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after
calling 823-4863 and yelling, “You’re a jackass!!”
(It’s really easy to call him now since I have
his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone
number of the guy with the black Corvette and
thought I’m gonna call this guy, too.
After a couple of rings someone answered the
phone and said, “Hello.” I said, “Is this the
man with the black Corvette for sale?” “Yes, it
is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?” “Yes,
I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow
house and the car is parked right out front.” I
said, “What’s your name?” “My name is Don Hansen.”
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” “I’m home
in the evenings.” “Listen Don, can I tell you
something?” “Yes.” “Don, you’re a jackass!!”
And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up,
I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better
for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two
jackasses to call. Then, after several months
of calling both jackasses and hanging up on them,
it just wasn’t as much enjoyment as it used to
be. I gave this problem some serious thought
and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man
answered nicely saying, “Hello.” I yelled “You’re
a jackass!”, but I didn’t hang up. The jackass
said, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah.”
He said, “Stop calling me.” I said, “No.” He
said, “What’s your name, Pal?” I said, “Don
Hansen.” “He said, “Where do you live?” “1802
West 34 th Street. It’s a yellow house, and my
black Corvette is parked out front.” He said,
“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better
start saying your prayers.” “Yeah, like I’m
really scared, Jackass!” and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered and I
said, “Hello, Jackass!!” He said, “If I ever
find out who you are…” “You’ll what?” I said.
He said, “I’ll kick your ass!” “Well, here’s
your chance. I’m coming over right now, Jackass!”
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and
called the police. I told them I was at 1802
West 34th Street and that I was going to kill
my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang
war going down at West 34th Street. After that,
I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. It was Glorious!!!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the shit out of
each other in front of 6 squad cars and a news
helicopter was one of the greatest experiences
of my life!!!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
Replies
*
Pal,
Joseph Fusco
View Image
"The price of apathy towards public affairs is to be ruled by evil men." -- Plato
*First, I think; whatever floats your boat. Then I think; can it be? Can it really be the jackass cop? Go get 'em.Before all this started, what did you do with all your free time?
*I.m still laughing...... at the story and the amount of time it must have taken you to be that mad......
*It is VERY funny. LOL. It is sad if it is true, though.And no self respecting dog would encourage you to wash a cat in its water bowl.Rich Beckman
*MORE!!!!!!
*A couple of days ago I stopped by the grocery store on the way home from work.The store happened to be located in one of those poorly thought out areas of modern developement,where there are a couple of stores ,a couple of malls/plazas,different fire lanes and unclear and contradictory road signs. A real maze of cars going to and fro, with some being left idling in the fire lane while the driver dashes in for the all important beer and cigarettes.Anyhow,there was a car pulled over to the side of the road going nowhere. Several cars passed it and it didnot move so I passed it and pulled into a parking lot,found a space,got out of my truck and headed for the store. Thats when the fun began.The car I had passed(the car would easily fetch $150 on the market) came screaching into the lot and out climbs this female that had to way at least 300#.Aparently she felt I had cut her off on the street and she proceeded to let me know about it in no uncertain terms. Forget about language that would make a sailor blush. I know some roofers that have never heard words like these.People in the parking lot are starting to stare cause this is at FULL VOLUME.So I looked at her and I said"thats quite a mouth you have on you miss"All this time I am still walking to the store,and since she is between me and the store I am gonna have to pass within 8 ft of her.Thats when I notice she has a "companion" in the passengerr seat.It's one of those long haired guys that weighs about 110# and is oftentimes the "life mate" of shall we say PLUS sized women. Well he very calmly tries to quiet her down which only makes her even more angry and profane. By now she has the attention of quite a crowd(some of which is very close by) and if anything she is even more foul mouthed than when she began.As I pass her I smile ,shake my head,and again say"that IS quite a mouth on you, miss"Well with that she EXPLODES. "Don't call me miss"she screams,"you should call me master,cause I own you. I am your master"I walked into the store shaking my head and laughing.when I got home I told the whole story to my wife.My wife says I should have told the woman that she was right,that woman is my master since my work payed the foodstamps that keep 300#s on such an orator.It's a dangerous world out there filled with people ready to implode or explode at any moment.good luck all,stephen
*And I thought taking a leak in the central line of the hot air distribution was the ultimate form of revenge.
*
Damn it all to hell Mr. name-withheld-to-protect-the-guilty, now I have do extra laundry to get all the piss I now have in my pants out due to
b your
story!!!
If this
b is
a true story, allow me to blow several cubic feet of pure-grade smoke up your ass. That was brilliant. I'm still giggling to myself. My cat, however, is not impressed, and when he finds out who
b you
are, he's going to come over and kick all that smoke that I just blew up your ass out.
gigglingly yours, cybergreg
*
As Lisa and that other lady are not here apparently, I'll speak for them,
b You can take your ribs with you, WHEN YOU GO
b TO HELL, Mr. Ark-builder. I know Noah and you are no NOAH!!!
*No Rob you were mistaken.Smitty's store ground sausage with a wrap of Limberger cheese thrown deep within the A/C ducts of a slow paying/slow selling group of town homes in the community of Val Vista Lakes(east of Phoenix) in the middle of the June just prior to the bank locking the development up tight as a Wells Fargo Federal Reserve Transfer truck until October.Anyone for a well conceived and developed aroma for Open House at the Bankruptcy Trustee's sale?Do we have an opening bid here folks???PLEASE????????
*The second "job" I ever did was for $800. The belatedly percieved slumlord gave me $400 and said "see you in court".I had many dreans of alternate applications for deer scent(and squirt guns).
*Get a couple thousand crickets from local tackle shop. Dump in house. Ever try to sleep with one under your bed? This was a tried and true method in the Fraternity days.Rick Tuk
*
"Never piss off a chemist!" He cackled gleefully as he carefully mixed some di-methel-whatits and some phenol-thingies and some some secret ingredients from the kitchen cupboard, being careful to keep his camo clear of the concoction....
Putricine - the smell of VERY rotton meat - is more or less permanent, especially in upholstery...
*Thanks ClayBee! Although while ancient and decrepit, I am not QUITE that ancient and decrepit. Anyway, I was going to be nice, after all, we don't want be mistaken for some of the intsant flamers, do we. But since arkbldr started it, well, I guess a little something wouldn't be remiss:The account of creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs. Last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that predate these writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible ... " ... and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to suckle her young.And God spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit. Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?" And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters. I need but two breasts."And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom........" There was a crack of lightning and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding herthird breast in her hand. "Now just what am I going to do with this useless boob?" womanexclaimed.And so it was, God created ManAnd if you guys think you're up to it, I have GOBS of really good men jokes, but no squirming allowed:-)
*
Of course God would do that, She was showing the first gender bias.
*
I got my first "jackass" last Saturday!!
This idiot calls up, and asks my wife to send a taxi over. She POLITELY explains that he has called a residence, and he should check the # he is dialing. She also confirms our phone # with him, hoping to prevent him from calling us again.
This moron calls back not more than 2 minutes later. Thanks to caller ID, I see it is him, so I answer the phone without giving him the opportunity to speak: "Look, you've called the WRONG number AGAIN. PLEASE do NOT call here AGAIN!!" He replies: "DAMN! All I want is the f****ng # to the taxi company!!" That does it for me: "Look, JACKASS, I ain't the friggin' OPERATOR! Try calling 411, and if that's too much for you to handle, you'd better call 911! JACKASS!"
I then slammed the phone down. I noted the # on the caller ID, jotted it down and added "jackass" next to it as suggested. I'm sure this number will bring hours of fun and relief, and I'm looking forward to my next Jackass, so that I can (hopefully) arrange a spectacular meeting like Rick did!!
*
You know, I am all for stress relief, and I don't argue that some people might deserve the treatment, but it just seems to me that we'd all be better off if we could find stress relief that was not at the expense of others.
You don't know what his circumstances were that day he called you twice. He may have just had an extremely upsetting event occur. Maybe
i he
was under a lot of stress that day.
I frequently refer to "80/20" (at any given moment, eighty percent of the population are
i idiots
!), but I never forget that occasionally I am in the eighty. And I firmly believe that I am no better than even those who are
i never
in the twenty.
Rich Beckman
*
Thought the guys and gals that read these pages
How to Wash a Cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo
to the toilet water, and have both
toilet lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while
you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat
in the toilet and close both lids (you
may need to stand on the lid so that he
cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get
any part of your body too close to the
edge, as his paws will be reaching out
for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four
times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite
effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the
outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the
outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as
you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad
day when you just need to take it out on someone!!!
Don't take that bad day out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I
remembered a phone call I had to make. I found
the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is
Patrick Hanifin, and could I please speak to
Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed
down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could
be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct
number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong
number still on my desk. I decided to call it
again. When the same person once more answered,
I yelled "You're a jackass!!" and hung up. Next
to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass",
and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills,
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd
answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!!" It
would always cheer me up. Later in the year, the
phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
disappointment for me. I would have to stop
calling the jackass.
Then one day, I had an idea. I dialed his number,
then heard his voice,"Hello." I made up a name.
"Hi, this is the sales office of the phone company,
and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and
slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're a jackass!?"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story,
is to show you how if there's ever anything really
bothering you, you can do something about it. Just
dial 823-4863.Keep reading, it gets better.
This old lady at the mall really took her time
pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think
she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began
to move, and she started to very slowly back out
of the spot. I backed up a little more to give
her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought,
she's finally leaving. All of the sudden, this
black Corvette came flying up the parking isle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I
started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't
just do that buddy. I was here first!" The guy
climbed out of his Corvette and completely
ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he
didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this
guy's a jackass. There sure are a lot of
jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a
"For Sale" sign in the back window of his car.
I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.
A couple of days later, I was at home sitting
at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after
calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have
his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone
number of the guy with the black Corvette and
thought I'm gonna call this guy, too.
After a couple of rings someone answered the
phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the
man with the black Corvette for sale?" "Yes, it
is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes,
I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow
house and the car is parked right out front." I
said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home
in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you
something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jackass!!"
And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up,
I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better
for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two
jackasses to call. Then, after several months
of calling both jackasses and hanging up on them,
it just wasn't as much enjoyment as it used to
be. I gave this problem some serious thought
and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man
answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're
a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass
said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He
said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don
Hansen." "He said, "Where do you live?" "1802
West 34 th Street. It's a yellow house, and my
black Corvette is parked out front." He said,
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better
start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm
really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered and I
said, "Hello, Jackass!!" He said, "If I ever
find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said.
He said, "I'll kick your ass!" "Well, here's
your chance. I'm coming over right now, Jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and
called the police. I told them I was at 1802
West 34th Street and that I was going to kill
my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang
war going down at West 34th Street. After that,
I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. It was Glorious!!!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the shit out of
each other in front of 6 squad cars and a news
helicopter was one of the greatest experiences
of my life!!!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
*
OK, Rich...
Time to take your friggin' CHILL PILL!
Golly, I thought you new this was all a big JOKE!?
Get out and have a laugh once in a while. Can't hurt any, bud. Take it easy - no one is calling this "jackass" back... just thought it was funny. (Didja notice I never published his phone #??)
have a chuckle, or go to a serious topic elsewhere. THANKS.