Sounds like it’s been a very rough year on our friend IMERC. Deaths in the clan, car accident with injury, it’s already snowing up there, and more…
He asked me for some humor, but I don’t have anything on file that I haven’t already sent him. Would any of you have any funnies you could post here to help lighten his spirits? And if it’s too “off color” for BT, just e-mail it to him (hate to shock any of you, but he enjoys off color humor!)
I know most of you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting IMERC in person, but he’s a good man with a big heart who gives readily to others. Now he needs a little in return.
Thanks!
Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a carpenter to build one.
Replies
He needs to remember that time is nature's way to keep everything from happening at once. Give it time and life will go on in new ways.
Looks like he coud use one of those sunny friends that, just by standing by them, he can get a tan.
Can't say much more. If I give him a piece of my mind, I won't have any left!
Macabre humor OK?
30 Y ago pulled a tree on head after having taken FOPS off D2 dozer for other repairs and had not yet replaced, 'woke up' a few days later and DW's comment was "good thing it hit you in the head where it wouldn't hurt".
Maybe Recko could send him some stuff. It's all recycled but I don't remember if IMERC was around back then so it could all be new to him (but don't count on it)<G>
A guy goes into a bar, and brings his monkey in with him. "Hey,
get outta here with that monkey!" says the bartender. "He'll be
fine," the guy says, "he's trained." But the next thing they know,
the monkey has jumped up on the pool table and swallowed the
cue ball. "Hey, that was a solid ivory cue ball!" said the
bartender. "Don't worry -- in a couple of days he'll pass it, I'll
wash it up, and it'll be good as new," the guy says. "You better
be right," says the bartender.
A couple of days later, the guy comes back into the bar with the monkey, and the guy has the cue ball in his hand. "Here you are -- the monkey passed it and I washed it up. It's as good as new, just as I told you," says theguy. "That's fine," says the bartender, "but what's your monkey doing now?" They look down the bar and the monkey is taking olives out of the drink garnish container, inserting them into his rear end one by one, and then eating them. "Oh," says the guy,"after the cue ball incident he's been sizing everything he eats."
Knowledge is power, but only if applied in a timely fashion.
hey - hang in there....
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?""Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love.After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?""Didn't feel a thing."
Hey Ralph-Boy!!!
Thems is fightin' words, brother!!!
Im holding back from recycling....trying to let that reputation die a slow death...
but my Recycle Finger is getting trigger happy!!!"My mother failed to see the irony in calling me a sonofabitch" - Jack Nicholsen
I live closer to you than Andy.
The social workers tell us our reputation is wayupthere for healing the wounded.
Wife & I have an open house.
I have tools for you to play with, & I won't put you to work. (Well.....)
Joke:
3 accountants on the way to a convention, buy 3 train tickets.
3 carpenters on the way to the same (JLC) convention buy one ticket.
Accountants say "Hey, that's cheating. you'll never get away with it".
Carp #1: "You'll see." Train pulls out, carps all go into one washroom. Conductor comes to the washroom and says "Tickets, please". One hand slides out of the just-open door & hands out a ticket.
Accountants are amazed & decide to do that too, next time.
Accountants on the way home, buy one ticket. Carps board without any ticket at all. "Hey, says the oldest accountant, how do you plan to get home without a ticket"? "Watch", says the carp.
Train leaves. 3 carpenters enter one of the washrooms, accountants enter another close by.
After about 10 minutse, the wisest carp leaves the washroom & goes to the one with the accountants hiding inside. He knocks on the door and calls "Tickets, please".Quality repairs for your home.
Aaron the HandymanVancouver, Canada
ROAR!!!
Not so sure about the work statement ... But
I have tools for you to play with,
Do I get to keep what I play with?
Your joke just got plagerized..
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
Keep my tools??? What, are you drunk!!!?
Real story.
Our son, Tomi 14, (pronounced with a flat "O", he is not a Tommy) never wants to help.
Our other soon-to-be son Jason 5 is a tool nut and builder like me.
I told Tomi that he would not be getting my tools when I die, Jason will.
He said "That's OK, I would just sell them anyway".
I have a little rebuilding of Tomi's bedroom underway (should have been done when he got back from camp), DW is upset the deck is not finished (started) yet, I have not had time to do the finishing on the garage roof/no gutters yet and we really need a new kitchen.
But the days are warm, not too much rain, and if I had an excuse to get the Honda and Yamaha motorcycles on the road ......Quality repairs for your home.
Aaron the HandymanVancouver, Canada
I believe, that you know, that if I was there I would roll up my sleeves because of my nature and and there is little that you could do about short of running me off.
Then again I have those kind of projects here. Work at the same day in and day out. Year after year.
How's that saying about the mechanic's car?
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
I often tell people that I need to work 2 years after I die just to catch up.Quality repairs for your home.
Aaron the HandymanVancouver, Canada
Some one told me that you die when you have finished your last job.
"I'M IMMORTAL!!!"
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
These are always best with the sound cranked up. :)
http://www.zefrank.com/forella/swfs/index.html
http://www.zefrank.com/invite/swfs/index2.html
http://www.zefrank.com/date_1/navigation.html
http://www.zefrank.com/predate/index2.html
http://www.zefrank.com/vacuum/index.html
http://www.zefrank.com/acting/index.html
http://www.zefrank.com/annie/navigation.html
Oh heck. He's just funny all over. http://www.zefrank.com/
Geez,
and I was so looking forward to having him stay at my house when he came to NY a cpl a weeks ago. We sort of discussed it via E-mails.
Had a long list of stuff to do together but I reckon he was in a hurry to get back to dem hills.
He has more friends then he knows!!!!
sure woulda dug spending some time together..oh well, next time maybe.
Hey IMERC......I told you once or twice before.....you're one of my favorite peeps here....no shid bro!
Be well brother
Namaste'
andy
Emptiness is not really empty, emptiness is full of everything.
The "everything", just isn't manifest
http://CLIFFORDRENOVATIONS.COM
I was in NY to follow the wishes and to take care the last of my clan. Guess I'm now an only child.
Dealing with two "vultures" was not to my liking, nor theirs. The stress level and action / reaction was getting a bit much.
It was best, for myself and for a few around me, that I cleared the AO. As is, I still haven't settled down.
Sorry I didn't make it. Maybe another time when there isn't / wasn't so much turmoil. Going up to Hartford and Warwick, RI were on the agenda also. That didn't happen either.
Besides that it must have been a hundred degrees out with stickum humidity. I didn't even get the chance to fish. Now that that's a low blow.
Another time, another place or in another life perhaps.
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
IMERC
I hear ya bro....been there and done that.....you're a good soul.....hope you can appreciate yourself. Too many people dont get that about them selves for what ever reason.
Low self esteam......parental trips.....religous trips.......
Just my stupid opinion but......you have far more to offer than most people so let the crap go and kick some asz helping others in your position to understand.
Its about connection, love and devotion to soul values.
Its a new day for every person and a new idea everyday to make this rock a better place.
No shid bro...we need more people like you than you realize.
I may not go to my Ram Dass week up at Omega cause I'm so far behind here but.......let one good bro say they wanna join me and......
Be well
Namaste'
andy
Emptiness is not really empty, emptiness is full of everything.
The "everything", just isn't manifest
http://CLIFFORDRENOVATIONS.COM
At 1300 I have the IRS. (4 days running) Ex told them I was working under the counter... LOL!
Now this is where I want to "KICK AZE."!
The up side is that I don't have take names. They'll still be there when we get back. Unless the sanitation department stops by to clean up.
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
IMERC
just wish that........uhhhhh....you're well
Namaste'
andy
Emptiness is not really empty, emptiness is full of everything.
The "everything", just isn't manifest
http://CLIFFORDRENOVATIONS.COM
I have a check from the IRS for 178$...
Wonder if it is any good....
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
What? No Rammedass because you're behind? Shame on you.
;^}
THE INTERVIEW WITH GOD I dreamed I had an interview with God. “So you would like to interview me?” God asked. “If you have the time” I said. God smiled. “My time is eternity.” “What questions do you have in mind for me?” “What surprises you most about humankind?” God answered... “That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.” “That they lose their health to make money... and then lose their money to restore their health.” “That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future.” "That they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived.” God’s hand took mine and we were silent for a while. And then I asked... “As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons you want your children to learn?” “To learn they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved.” “To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.” “To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.” “To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them.” “To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.” “To learn that there are people who love them dearly, but simply have not yet learned how to express or show their feelings.” “To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.” “To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.” "Thank you for your time," I said humbly. "Is there anything else you would like your children to know?" GOD smiled and said, “Just know that I am here... always.” -author unknown
I like it .... Thanks....
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
Sam,
I'm not all that religious, but that was pretty damn good.Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, Professionals built the Titanic.
I'm adding to this thread strictly to lift IMERC's spirits. This story was originally posted over by the cooks. If you snicker, keep it to yourselves, ok? Some of us aren't electricians.
FUN WITH ELECTRICITY - CLUELESS
I am working on stripping the garage door of paint, years of paint, with the handiest invention since fire - a heatgun. For those who aren't tool orientated, the heatgun looks very similar to a blow dryer but at settings that would set your hair on fire. It heats up the paint enough to bubble so that you can take a metal putty knife and scrape the paint off. The heatgun has a short cord and since my garage does not have electricity, I used a shiny orange extension cord.
Everything is going along swimmingly until I decide I need to bring out the vacuum cleaner(not MC's Miele but a Hoover Whirlwind thingy) to suck up the bits of paint that are on the driveway. Bring out the vacuum, unplug the heatgun and proceed to plug in the vacuum when a blue SPARK appears between the plug of the vacuum and the socket of the extension cord.
Hmmm, says I, perhaps the plug to the vacuum is wet. I wipe off the plug w/my cotton shirt and proceed to plug it back in. Another SPARK. Well perhaps the socket is also wet. Wipe off the socket and the plug again for good measure and try again. A third SPARK.Ah, there must be something stuck in the socket mucking things up. So I whack the socket end a couple of times to knock whatever is stuck in, out. Then I try to plug in the vacuum again.
A FOUR INCH BLUE FLAME SHOOTS OUT OF THE SOCKET!
I drop the cord, dash into the house and RIP the cord outof the electrical outlet in the wall and call Father.Father, what do you know about extension cords?A long minute of absolute silence.Explain the story, says the voice on the other end.I relate the story.Another long minute of absolute silence.I believe a new extension cord would be the least expensive solution to your problem.Can't I just cut off the old socket and attach a new one somehow?Another long minute of silence.No.
I am now the proud owner of a shiny new YELLOW extension cord. I secretly think Father lives for my phone calls.This jobless recovery has done more to promote the consumption of exquisite chocolate than the finest chocolatier. Cost be damned.
I know....still struggling with it....My wife says "go andrew,go"
Be uhhhhhh.....too attached
andrew
Emptiness is not really empty, emptiness is full of everything.
The "everything", just isn't manifest
http://CLIFFORDRENOVATIONS.COM
Big man--
I missed ya, too--it woulda been cool if we coulda gone to the Magasin Général to see if they had snow shoes in your size in stock when it was 'a hundred with stickum humidity' outside....
Another time--or if I can get a passport for the kid (not likely, huh!) mb we can check out those southern rockies o' yours for a little back-country telemarking in da spring....
You really got snow down already? Excellent. Hope you're finished roofing tho.
Y'ever meet a vegan?
Dinosaur
'Y-a-tu de la justice dans ce maudit monde?
I know a couple nice lookig wimmens that need to see that...
ROAR!!! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
Surely not those five healthy huntresses you sent north awhile ago??
(Youse guys if ya wanna see 'em ya gotta ask IMERC direct--if I posted them here I think it'd send Prospero's server into cardiac arrest....)
Dinosaur
'Y-a-tu de la justice dans ce maudit monde?
IMERC
Didnt know that all was not well.
Let me at least come up and scoop the driveway for ya. I'd appreciate the break from the heat.
Doug
Yikes! You better ask how long the driveway is first! ; )Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a carpenter to build one.
Hasbeen
I'm counting on the sun doing most of the work, its still early, I know enough about snow to make that offer in Dec, Jan, or Feb.
Doug
If I understand correctly, the drive in question is more than 2 miles. Last year it took a large cat......
Maybe that offer should be for 3 months... it might take that long to dig it out once, if the wind doesn't blow! Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a carpenter to build one.
There is about a foot of that white stuff up on the peaks right now.
My driveway is about 2 miles long.
My biggest problem drift can easily cover several football fields, continue burying and be 2 stories deep. I have 3 lesser with a couple of not so bad but a problem just the same places.
Last winter it took a Cat 933D to dig me out. 2 go arounds at that. Found a Bronco in one of the drifts. Need a free vehicle? Dosen't look so good and some reassembly required. Battery not included or glass or gas tank or roof. Needs tires. ROL. When I got out I couldn't get back in for a couple of weeks.
I'll take you up on your offer for Dec, Jan and / or Feb. Come on down (up is more accurate). I'll even let you come in and warm up as often as you like.
Winter's here. Snows at least once or twice every week. Day temps - high 50's low 60's at best. Cloudy days - 40's. Nights - 30's. Turned the heat off 2nd week of June. Back on 1st week of August. 5 snow nights in July. I may move to the lower elevations for this winter.
When I was in upstate NY the temps were pushing a hundred and stickum humidity. Could move. If you stop in DONOT BRING THE HEAT WITH YOU.
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
That's a heck of a driveway. We only maintain 1/2 mile and my Cats are a little newer and larger. You've got the reason we left Colorado, couldn't find anywhere other than the mountains that appealed to us. What elevation are you?
We've happily acclimated to our 4 season climate with 1-2 ft/yr of snow.PAHS Designer/Builder- Bury it!
GPS says 10, 040ft.
Larger than a 988D. Wow.
Now I really want to play.
Can I HUH!HUH! Can I.....
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
Good lord, bro! You're only 300 meters lower than the top of Vail Mountain!
Screw the bulldozers: you need a BR 400 MP+.
Or maybe we should invite LARLEB with his new snowblower and chainsaw...?
En passant, made a great find in a garage sale today: $5 for a box of old XC wax--6 (SIX!!) bars of original Jackrabbit wax: 4 dry and 2 solid klister. Worth about a gazillion to anyone who knows what it is. Ryan came home tonight, I showed it to him, he took one of the boxes of klister and smelled it--big, black, smokey tar smell, gorgeous--and said, "Ummmmm, papa!" (He wanted to go wax his skis right away, of course.)
It's not quite too cold to swim yet, but I'm waiting for that first snow when the lake's still warm enough to stand a five minute dip. Nothing like swimming nekkid when it's snowing....
Dinosaur
'Y-a-tu de la justice dans ce maudit monde?
Go out the kitchen door. One step latter you are going up hill. Stay stedy and when you get to the top you're at 12,780 feet.
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
Your mountian got a name or is it like mine, just another set of contours on the map? (Hah, if I can swing any weight with the toponomy commissioner, I'm gonna get this one named Mount Ryan....)Dinosaur
'Y-a-tu de la justice dans ce maudit monde?
No name, just contours.
You got my vote for Mount Ryan.
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
Name yours Mount Mercenary...?Dinosaur
'Y-a-tu de la justice dans ce maudit monde?
Cool ..... I lke it. Who gets the paper work?
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
I think you have to start at county level and get them to work upwards....
Who do ya know in the county seat?Dinosaur
'Y-a-tu de la justice dans ce maudit monde?
I am definately part of the "good ole boy click."
Plan "B"???
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
You said there's a mine nearby? Go to the claims office, check where their claim is; go stake out a useless claim on top of the mountain if its stakable; then file it, then use your status as the claim holder to demand the state toponomy commission to officially name the mountain.
If that don't work, just paint up a sign, and nail it to a tree on the access road. Maintain the sign. After x number of years, it'll be the accepted common law name.
All good things are worth waiting for....
Dinosaur
'Y-a-tu de la justice dans ce maudit monde?
Larger than a 988D. Wow.
Whoops! Those 8's were 3's your first time, not so big. There's one of those here. I don't know what a 988 looks like. Biggest thing that lives here is a 23k lb 944 with an 8' wide 4-in-1 bucket. Unless you count the Linkbelt and it doesn't excavate.
Play? Sure. There's another 1/2 mile driveway to cut to the other peak if you wanna kill some trees. We have real ones here. Just don't bother with the "Mountains? You call these mountains?".
At 1200' we're high enough that the county thinks nobody should be allowed to live here. So we lock the gate to keep out the riffraff (bureaucrats).
And if you're looking for a toy, the guy I bought the 944 from has another that made my 944 look like a peanut. Only wants $13k for it, including rock seive. I think that was a 12' wide bucket. Too big for here. Kind of a long trip to Colorado in it. PAHS Designer/Builder- Bury it!
I did type 933 and meant 988. 988 - About 2 stories tall and 12 yard bucket. It belongs to one of the mines. These guys have a pair of D-11's too. (11 is not a typo) They (988 and 11's) were featured on "Big Machines" - "Modern Marvels" last year. (History Channel)
We have real ones here.
Real which? Peaks, mountains, driveways or trees..... LOL
The 988 is way too large for here but you use what you gotta use. The mine lets it out just for these occasions as a community service. The good PR and all that. A 2 or 3 yarder would be more appropiate for the job.
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
Real which? Peaks, mountains, driveways or trees..... LOL
Let's see.... I'm moderately well traveled. Real peaks? Nah. Real mountains? Nah. Real driveways? Well, we have had several "I'm never coming back- scared the pee out me" flatlanders up here. Real trees? I've been known to cut 1100 bd ft out of one oak. 800' bd ft from a walnut. Not huge, but big enough if you only have an 8 ton crawler working on a 60* slope. And it'll make you sweat.
No cable TV up here. A 12 yd bucket I can do nicely without. The 944 is 2 yds, big enough.
I've never seen 100* here but when the humidity's close to that, it doesn't much matter. My wife heads to Colorado every summer and can never believe how ungreen it is. Hey, I have shiitakes sprouting now out front. They'll continue for a couple of months. You?PAHS Designer/Builder- Bury it!
I've never seen 100*
It gets to the high 80's some times but not often. Humidity isn't a consideration.
My wife heads to Colorado every summer and can never believe how ungreen it is.
Sure... Show up in a drought and nothing will be green. Lots and and lots of percipitation this year. And then more still. Not being green is passae
Hey, I have hiitsakes sprouting now out front. They'll continue for a couple of months. You?
?????? Acres and mountain sides of wild flowers.
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
Snow line is just about 11k. 12k and you can ski.
Where were you?
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
Where were you?
Outside Charlottesville, under the "e" on Israel Mountain here:
http://www.topozone.com/map.asp?lat=37.98448757993071&lon=-78.69627435533823&symshow=n&layer=DRG25
You?
Gonna be awhile before anybody does any ski waxing here. We think about house heat mid-December, but our place isn't the norm. There is a ski resort nearby. I prefer snowshoes and foolishly brought them with me when we left Denver.PAHS Designer/Builder- Bury it!
You're one of those guys with triple diget heat and matching humidity. ... UUUGGGghh.
Lived in FL for a number of years... No more.
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
Spent a year in Lovingston between Charlottsville and Lynchburg up top a mtn helping an old lady a few years before she died.....you anywhere near there?
BE well
andy The way we regard death is critical to the way we experiance life.
When your fear of death changes, the way you live your life changes.
http://CLIFFORDRENOVATIONS.COM
20 miles. That map link I posted was the Covesville quad. I go down Lovingston way often to visit a luthier buddy who lives across from Mountain Cove Vineyard. Not many roads in Nelson County lead to residences on top of a mountain (very unVirginian). Which mountain were you on?
Hmmm.... Was her name Fortune, as in Fortune's Cove?
PAHS Designer/Builder- Bury it!
Edited 9/9/2003 8:12:44 AM ET by VaTom
She was a real hill person as are her sons....Bessie Terry.
I have a friend that moved here from LI when I went down there...his name's Woody Greenberg. Real intersting family. I was also friends with other hill (originals) people...The Sheltons and Fitzgearalds.
If yer ever in the area I'll get you directions and you should stop in on woody and his wife..I think he has a radio show out of Charlottesville......or use to.
BE well
andy The way we regard death is critical to the way we experiance life.
When your fear of death changes, the way you live your life changes.
http://CLIFFORDRENOVATIONS.COM
IMERC
I know that I don't have as good a grasp of the english language as some, BUT, I was trying to say that I know enough about snow to not go and offer to remove snow in Dec, Jan, and Feb. Meaning theres know way in Colorado that I'm moving any snow for you or anybody else during the winter months!!!
I'm sorta thinking my poor back may actually enjoy this winter here in TX.
I think I remember seeing a picture of that Bronco, didn't you post one?
I was in the Big Horn Mts in Montana one time in August and someone at the lodge said that it had snowed there the week before, thought he was pulling my leg, two nights later, 10" of snow. Was cool but I don't know if I could handle it all the time.
I worked today and it was plenty warm, I wouldn't mind seeing a few inches of the prety white stuff right about now.
It does get plenty warm here in TX, but so far it has not matched the humidity that we had back in Iowa, boy I don't miss that crap. I guess that's why the corn grows so damn high.
Doug
Stop in for the view.
Worst snow months here are March to May.... So so in Feb.. Go figure.
Some days in Dec and Jan the mercury refuses to come out of the little bulb on the bottom of the thermometer.
Who ever invented work didn't know how to fish....
IMERC
Stop in for the view.
Might do that sometime, where you at from Denver, got a sister there that I have to go see before its to late.
Doug
"Vegetarian" is an Indian word that means "lousy hunter"
SamT