Got this email today, thought I’d share it:
Tool Definitions:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and then flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it makes you to say, ‘Yeouw….’
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, ‘the sunshine vitamin,’ which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user’s hands.
DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot’s of these) Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMMIT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer.
Replies
Sounds like you are buying too many chinese tools, lol
What a coincidence! Guess I must almost be a pro - I have all those tools except for the Whitworth sockets - and they all work as advertised!
Table Saw - tool invented to stimulate passionate safety arguments amongst woodworkers
Norm Abrams - tooler invented to stimulate passionate arguments amongst woodworkers
Festool - German manufacturer who has created highly elaborate stackable boxes purported to sometimes contain tools
Outlay - what one does much of in regards to a Festool
Inlay - well duhhhh, the opposite of outlay
Lie-Nielsen - used to describe a forum thread that never ends
Joint - my guess is, what the guys on the LieNielsen thread have been enjoying
Chop Saw - short description of something you seen
Resawing - repeating a short description of something you seen, supposed related to old age, and possibly excessive use of a "Joint"
Dust - a material for which your spouse yells at you for bringing into the house
Wood Stripper - any person who must take action to maintain a marriage and not bring "Dust" into the house
Chop Saw, option 2 - what your spouse does to your allowance once she learns how much you spent to make the material you bring into the house
Nailer - any poster who has a really good come-back to a post
Shellac, shellacking - responses in any finishing thread, french in nature, performed by a "nailer"
Miter - describing something you've considered doing
Quartersawn: I got tired using the handsaw 25% of the way thru that plank.
four-quarter lumber: I got that pile of boards for a dollar, at the sawmill.
Nail set: Small punch used to poke a series of holes into the wood around a finish nail.
Screwdriver: hand tool used to gouge the wood around a partially driven screw, just before you wring its head off, giving it that last 1/4 turn. Thrown across the shop, can be used to test the strength of window glass.
Block plane: Small hand tool used to "fine tune" (irreparably dub off) a miter cut. Alternatively, can be used to lift the veneer from plywood case ends while cutting face frames flush.
Wood chisel: Primarily used for opening paint cans, and scraping head gaskets from lawn mower engine blocks. Useful for tightening/removing screws, when screwdriver is somewhere out in the yard, other side of the broken window.
Glue bottle: Best known for falling over, and annointing priceless antique hand tools on the shelf under workbench.
Workbench: Receptacle for last weeks newspapers, leftover paint cans, and lawnmower engine parts. Alt: can be used for storage of woodworking project components for months on end.
Buffing wheel: Adjunct to woodworking, used to take highly polished brass hardware parts, and fling them across rough concrete floors and under dusty, cobwebby workbenches, never to be seen again.
Top coat - keeps you warm when working in an unheated shop
Table saw (alternate) - see "table"
Floor - see "dust collector"
Wood stove - the universal solution to a project gone bad
Hammer - a tool with a heavy head and long handle used to beat one's thumb with. Also used to make "adjustments"
Slot screw - a fiendish device developed for testing the perseverance and determination of a handyman
Slot screwdriver - a flat-bladed instrument used to attempt driving slot screws and also impaling one's hand
Adjustable Bevel - used to convince your client that the out-of-square corners are actually square (set the tool to the angle, first)
Bandsaw - a saw in exile
Clothes iron - used in veneer work for spreading glue where it should not be
Microwave ove - used for heating coffee, drying wood, and putting tins of half-used finished in for entertainment
Finishing room - a place to get high without smoking
Tape measure - something every woodworker has dozens of but can never find. See also pencil.
Duct tape - a quick, easy, and secure method of fastening. Much more economical than Festool's Domino system
Slippery slope - what you engage when you acquire a router, hand plane, or other tool which facilitates the acquisition of other accessories or models
Brace - what you do when you tell the missus of your latest powertool acquisition
Rolling pin - what the missus askes you to make when you buy another, bigger lathe. See also "baseball bat"
Irritant - a client
Hazard - everything
Face shield - one's hand
Ear protection - one's forefingers
Respirator - one's shirt
Screw remover -- tool designed to insert into a stuck screw before breaking off. Usually hard enough to resist any known drilling bit, thus making it a permanent fixture.
Resaw -- operation when you discover you forgot to add back that inch, took inside rather than outside measure, or other failure not repairable with a board stretcher.
Belt sander -- Portable tool designed to dig gouges in solid wood and sand through veneer.
Pneumatic nail -- fastener designed to hold pieces "until the glue dries" Often know to veer off course and come out an adjacent side. Especially helpful on chair joints.
Raised panel -- insert into a frame and panel door designed to display part of a biscuit that would normally be hidden.
Gorilla Glue -- substance known to produce foam at all joints before blowing them apart. Also a good way to get 2 week stains on your skin.
Super Glue -- Substance to glue your fingertips together while trying to hold a joint for 60 seconds.
Polyurethane -- the universal finish. Why use anything else?
Shop-vac -- ear piercing device used to pick up lost parts. Also used periodically to remove sawdust from floor just before starting up router for next project.
Thermo-feedback-wife -- Spouse who comes into the barely heated shop after you've been working all day and says, "Boy, it's cold in here."
Woodworking Club -- Place for old geezers to gather and tell lies. Mis-matched flannel plaids and hearing aids required.
Water stones: decorative rocks found in water features such as ponds
Diamond stones: jewlery for the missus - Diamonds are forever!
Extension cord: connects between a wall outlet and a portable power tool to get within 6" of where it needs to be
Ceiling: a good place to suspend glass jars containing pokey nails and screws
Vice: something we all have (note spelling)
Look ma, no jigs!!!
Damn Andy, slow down, you're gonna wear yourself out!
Doug
That was all copy/paste from a list that was from copy/paste
Look ma, no jigs!!!
Ohhh, OK
Doug