Some folks can move in and out of committed relationships, keeping friendships alive with all their formers. I never had this ability, but I did learn, through much trial and error, how to fire and lay off employees without offending or breaking bonds—bonds that remain useful. Our business goes through cycles, and with the ups and downs, you need to hire and fire from time to time. Sometimes the very same people.

Most of the time, the firing is very hard to do. Especially if you hired correctly, and your employee has provided excellent work and loyalty.

If you’re like me, you engage employees and develop relationships very close to friendships. In fact, I have many former employees—some fired under difficult circumstances—that I now consider friends rather than colleagues.

Taking time

I have read business advice that says you should hire slowly and fire quickly. I understand the reasoning, and sometimes you do have to fire someone in response to theft, lying, or negligence. But firing quickly usually implies emotionally, and even when justified, firing on the spot is almost always a mistake. Take your time.

If you have taken proper consideration when hiring, most firings occur because the employee could not keep up with the growing requirements of the job, or the business cycle made the burden of their continued employment unbearable—i.e., too expensive.

In the former case, when an employee no longer provides enough leadership, energy, or talent as the job requires, it’s likely because the company itself has evolved and the job description has changed. The employee may be giving their best, but it’s not enough.

When this occurs, I make the decision to sever the working relationship quietly—internally—and then begin to consider carefully how to frame the separation without criticizing the individual. This may take several days.

When you need to fire, remember it’s not a show of power or an act of vengeance, even when what leads to the decision is exasperation. The goal is to get the job done with kindness, and allow the employee to move on with their ego intact. Yes, intact. You’re not there to teach them a lesson, you’re there to resolve a problem.

It may take time, and it may be uncomfortable. But when that final interview is over, you should be able to shake hands. This gentle, slow-burn approach has the benefit of reducing employee anger and the legal repercussions that often result.

Never fire on the spot—even if the cause is theft or another clear violation that leaves you no choice. You can send an employee home, and ask them to come back tomorrow at an appointed time to talk about what happened. Then you can control the situation better and use verbal judo—the gentle way of resolving conflict—to your advantage.

Pick the time and place  

I have fired employees outside the office, particularly supervisory personnel. A coffee shop works well. Quiet public places keep conversation from escalating to argument, a location outside the job site or office avoids the employee the embarrassment of walking off crestfallen in front of his former co-workers.

I never fire an employee on Friday. It’s too hard to deal with a change like this over the weekend. Mornings work best, and early in the week, so that the employee can take control of the situation and start looking for a job immediately.

Sometimes an employee has tools to return, or important information to convey before leaving. This makes it a little harder, but you can resolve the issue by handing the employee a compliance list to wrap up before picking up their final paycheck. The list should be as short as possible, and you’ll have to accept that whenever an employee leaves, a period of messy adjustment ensues.

Choose your words

Firing requires finesse. Use objective language, such as, “You did not meet the production schedule,” as opposed to saying something like, “You are too slow.” And follow up with some kind words like, “But you are talented, and I am sure as you gain more experience you will become an excellent carpenter.”

Follow the law.  If you want to fire rather than lay off just to avoid the unemployment contribution, you may find yourself inventing justification that your former and now disgruntled employee can use to challenge the firing in court. You’ll spend more on lawyers than you will save in insurance premiums.

To the contrary, whenever possible, just pay the unemployment premium and make sure to let the employee and everyone else know you want them to find another job—a better job if possible.

To this end, even if the employee deserves to be fired for good cause, such as lying, offer to let them resign instead.

After an employee leaves, I strongly recommend never speaking ill of this person. Others will hear it, and then they will assume the same will happen to them.

When you fire a friend  

No doubt you have heard that it’s a mistake to do business with friends or relatives. Many companies have anti-nepotism policies that disallow the hiring of friends and relatives. On the other hand, some people—and in fact some cultures—don’t do business except with family and friends. Mine is one of them; Latinos always defer to relations.

So I have found myself in the position of firing friends more than once. Often after having kept them working too long, precisely because of the special bond. It’s a cultural hazard.

The friendship may not come first, so this is not only a problem for those that hire their buddies. Friendships often grows from the workplace interaction, especially with your best employees that you come to regard as colleagues and even partners.

It’s hardest to fire a friend when the decision comes due to a business downturn, and you know your friend performed well, and will now have a hard time getting back on his or her feet.

I have found a few techniques help ease the transition. To start, why hide your discomfort? If you’re moved to tear up, let it flow. Nobody wants to discover the fellow they thought a dear friend is actually heartless sob—it’s not just business, it’s your humanity too.

But it is also business, and it’s important for your friend to know that the reasons are monetary and not due to poor performance. If it is due to poor performance, and you want to keep the friendship, you may have to lie. Most people believe they are very good workers and excellent employees, even when they are not. Since you need to fire, not fix, this individual, why challenge the illusion?

Hint ahead of time. I foreshadow the inevitable by talking about how little work there is, how difficult it has become to get contracts, or how tight the margins have become, making it hard to keep up on overhead. If you do this deftly, by the time you break the news, your friend will already know what’s coming.

I like to soften the economic blow, when I can, by providing some post-severance gigs. I recently fired an employee for shortcomings in leadership. But he is an excellent craftsman, and a fellow I genuinely like and appreciate, so I immediately hired him as an independent contractor to do some remodeling on my house. This gave us the chance to develop a new relationship, and eased the transition for both of us.

More on Building Business

Self-Taught MBA: Strategic Alliances – Establishing strategic alliances can provide many of the benefits of partnerships without the contractual obligations.

Self-Taught MBA: You’re Fired! – This installment in the “Self-Taught MBA” series ends on a sad note-the worst moment in employer-employee relations: the hostile breakup. Firing someone is not the same as laying someone off.

Building Business – The foundation for your bottom line.