Being in business, dealing with various personalities, keeping interpersonal communications positive and non threatening, non agressive – with customers, co-workers, suppliers, sub contractors.
Sometimes it feels like a low grade argument dealing with people. At times tempers get short, buttons get pushed, and one or both of you lose your cool. Voices get raised and an argument ensues. A battle.
I’ve been told that the key to peaceful resolution of differences is to approach these interactions as a dance, not a battle. And I’ve found it to be true that you “catch more bees with honey than with vinegar”. No question about it.
But how about it? Does it come naturally to you to dance? Or are you as apt to see these interactions as battles?
And you folks who have learned to dance, stiffling the urge to do battle, does that agression then leak out in other parts of your life? Do you ever wonder if it’s healthier to vent it when you feel it, even if it’s not socially acceptable?
Romania wasn’t built in a day.
Replies
Mr Blodgett.
I don't dance to music, but in business relations you'd think I went to Arthur Murry.
About the hottest I get is in my dealings with suppliers and then it's not anywhere near what will harm my future dealings with them. However, I fight for my customer and my reputation strongly. The supplier knows or picks up on this and transfers that energy to their distributor in order to resolve any issues promptly.
Any problems from the job I try my damndest not to bring home. After all, Joyce doesn't need any of that in her life. Still, like I need to know her situation at work, so too does she need to know mine. Otherwise a quiet spell might be mistaken for something it isn't.
Take that golfball and put a face on it, remembering that a nice easy swing usually brings more distance and control.
Pitchers and catchers report soon. Man, am I ready.
A great place for Information, Comraderie, and a sucker punch.
Remodeling Contractor just outside the Glass City.
http://www.quittintime.com/
I must be. "They haven't caught me, yet." ;0)
Kidding aside, you have to adjust or as Brown Bagg says, the angry will eat you. When that happens, you have lost control and then all semblance of professionalism. Even in private moments you can stew over things. I've been there and that approach doesn't work for long.
I worked many years in the airline industry in customer relations, ticketing, cargo, ticket counter, etc. Then I had my own business, a full service gas station for quite some time. I was also a manager in a home owners association of 700+ members.
I prefer face to face rather than telephone, whenever possible. People tend to take on a totally different personna via telephone. The anonymity seems to affect them and bravado seems to take over.
Face to face, one tends to be more measured and a measured, calmer approach always seems to accomplish and even exceed your goals.
...The unspoken word is capital. We can invest it or we can squander it. -Mark Twain...
Be kind to your children....they will choose your nursing home.
I agree about the face to face vs the phone call. The worst Jekyll/Hyde I ever saw was when someone got ahold of me by email! LOL_______________________________________________________________
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I had a guy really tear into me one night as I was a midnight shift supervisor at an airline reservation office. He was giving the agent a bad enough time that they turned him to me. The deal was a screw-up in his bookings done by his secretary but he elected to take it out on us. Anyway, worked through it, got him settled down and life went on.
Two weeks later I was doing ticket counter duty and who shows up in front of me? Bingo. I now had a face to go with the name and really bad language and attitude.
He was a meek little mouse. Not at all what I expected. As I checked him in and sent him on his way (calmly I might add, never letting him know who I was) I made a little comment at the end of our conversation. Only he and I knew what was said previously and why. He took about two steps, came up short, turned and looked at me and became beet red. I don't know if it was embarassment or anger. Kismet?
Funny the way things bounce sometime!...The unspoken word is capital. We can invest it or we can squander it. -Mark Twain...
Be kind to your children....they will choose your nursing home.
Years ago in Arizona, a friend of ours taught her kids to say, "I'm sorry, I temporarily lost my head.", after they had blown up about something.DW and I have always remembered that and how much it explains the goings on of a typical human being.
"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."
~ Voltaire
Very nicely said, obb.
"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."
~ Voltaire
By way of introduction -
As soon as I saw this title in the business section, I knew the gist of what it was about, before it loaded.
As long as I have my manager hat on, I do pretty well and enjoy myself in all those various daily or hourly challenges. It is when I also am wearing my carpenter/production hat and wearing the tool belt that I have a hard time dancing the right steps. I can only handle so much at one time and that is where my feet ( mouth actually) gets messed up and I fall down.
Like the time I already had three or four problems to handle all at once and a phomne call I would normally have ignored got answered by a helper just 'cause it was ringing. Hands it to me saying "it's for you" and i let slip a rare four letter word ( other than 'oops') and the caller turned out to be the lady owner of the house
Or the time I was trying to layout and cut a set of stair stringers in a high traffic location while managing the whole job - I cut down the inch at bottom after I kept reminding myself I had to do so time after time, interruption after interruption, and ended up cutting that inch off twice. Discovered it the next morning and corrected for it.
Welcome to the
Taunton University of Knowledge FHB Campus at Breaktime.
where ...
Excellence is its own reward!
Hey Jim
There's a proverb that says " an answer when mild will turn away rage" and I've found it to be true. More and more, customers expectations exceed my capabilities and it becomes an exercise in restraint and diplomacy.
Have been reading some interesting stuff on body language and relationships by Alan Pease and attempting to put it into practise.
Say hello to Kathy
regards
Mark
Maybe I was not answering exactly what you asked, because for me when I steam up is when there is too much of too many different things to do, and doing multiple things to me is like dancing, sliding around the dance floor and toehr couples, paying attention to the opne you are with and feeling their rythms..
I'ts dancing with more tha one person at the same time that gets hardificult.
You got too many irons in the fire right now?
I know I do.
Been spread out over four jobs, but tow of them close to a finish tomorrow, and billing today, so all of that feels good.
Welcome to the
Taunton University of Knowledge FHB Campus at Breaktime.
where ...
Excellence is its own reward!
I just think I'm getting less tolerant of the same old stuff "...why does that cost so much?" "...contractor so and so doesn't make me sign lien waivers. What's the problem?" Or the Monday morning phone call "...is it okay if I take the day off?" "I know I've been gone for three months. But now that I'm back, can you start my job tomorrow?"
It just all compounds and at some point I find myself going off at the inappropriate person (usually my wife) over something totally unrelated. You'd think I would be able to take stuff in stride bettter as I age, but the opposite seems to be happening.
Maybe I see the signs sooner now or something...like knowing the toothpaste is going to be squeezed from the middle...then it is. Doesn't help any to know what you're going to see, if it sets you off, it sets you off. If anything it's worse when you see it coming.
I just never have been a good dancer. More of a "what you see is real" guy. Some people respect that, others of course, don't. Romania wasn't built in a day.
I quit dancing but I sure loved it and was very serious about it .
Im a steer wrestler now .
My dancing days are over .
Tim
did you mean to say you'rea steer now?Now wonder they call us cranky old farts
Welcome to the Taunton University of Knowledge FHB Campus at Breaktime. where ... Excellence is its own reward!
84904.10 in reply to 84904.8
did you mean to say you'rea steer now?
Now wonder they call us cranky old farts
Im that too . I told ya in more ways than one .
Tim
Sounds like you need a good vacation.I have one job coming on that I know the customer is going to be a handful, patience wise. I could be singing your somg in another few months....This place here helps me turn loose.But there's some things you just don't say in public too...;)
Welcome to the Taunton University of Knowledge FHB Campus at Breaktime. where ... Excellence is its own reward!
if they could only teach 2 things in school I'd vote for "how to deal with people" and English... If you (and i don't) have an exceptional command of english... you have already won... be an artist with words and few will dare to fight or question you...
I've found so few people are nice to other people that when you are.... you really stand out... I'm always happy so i'm usally smile'n... i talk to everyone and most of the time I tell them my first name... my dad told me long ago... be nice to the lady at the front desk and the one that answers the phone... they are more important to you than the person you wish to see or speak to.... they in fact can control your fate...
"the road you leave behind you is a road you're going to have to go back down"
I think that the more i expect nothing.... the more I'm not disapointed
p
Amen brother. "84904.14 in reply to 84904.1 if they could only teach 2 things in school I'd vote for "how to deal with people" and English... If you (and i don't) have an exceptional command of english... you have already won... be an artist with words and few will dare to fight or question you...I've found so few people are nice to other people that when you are.... you really stand out... I'm always happy so i'm usally smile'n... i talk to everyone and most of the time I tell them my first name... my dad told me long ago... be nice to the lady at the front desk and the one that answers the phone... they are more important to you than the person you wish to see or speak to.... they in fact can control your fate..."the road you leave behind you is a road you're going to have to go back down"I think that the more i expect nothing.... the more I'm not disapointed" - Good words, I laugh at the people with road rage, that stuff doesn't let off steam, it adds fuel to the fire. Live a life of equanimity and the calmness rubs off on the folks you work with.
i couldn't agree more with ponytl's or yours, except to say that when it comes to people being nice i think a lot of it has to do with perspective.
i moved from california to north carolina in summer of 05.
in california i lived all over the state, and spent many years in the major urban areas working. i grew up as the poor kid in a very affluent neighborhood.
compared to that (in general, there are nice peeps and idiots everywhere) the people of north carolina are all nice. i noticed that my manners improved when i got here. trying to fit in i guess.
I moved here from Maine 20 years ago and am still amazed at how polite people are. We live on a creek right near a good fishing hole and lately there have been loud bonfire and fishing partys in the neighbors cowpasture there every friday night. At 11 pm I walk down with my flash light. The kids see me coming through the woods, at about 75' away the radio gets turned off and every thing gets real quiet, at 50' I call out politely that we'de appreciate a little less noise and it's "yes sir we'll keep it down sir" I say thanks and all is good (at least until they crank up to four wheelers to pack it in. Hard to drive slow when your drunk on a four wheeler in a cow pasture at midnight.) They did a national study of how long you could sit at a traffic light after the light turned green without the guy behind you blowing his horn. Chapel Hill NC had the longest time.
Everyone does it a little differently.
However , a smile goes a long way.
Tim
Everyone does it a little differently.However , a smile goes a long way. <<<<<<<<<<Ya know? I was gonna say the same thing. It really is true!!
Its really amazing when you bring the whole thing "down" to that level what usually happens. Sometimes the simplest things go over looked.
PO "I dunno guys. Methinks some people have way too much extra time on their hands". Jer
http://WWW.CLIFFORDRENOVATIONS.COM
DW tells me that the only clerks in the big stores who are smiling are the ones who are waiting on me. Makes everything easier.
"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."
~ Voltaire
Jim
I cant dance and dont care to learn!
Thats why I chose to work for someone else. <G>
Doug
I dance with two left feet.
I picked a trade because I am not a people person (no rhythm). However, I discovered working in someones home ended up being probably one of the most demanding "people skills" job around.
I don't deal well with conflict.
I know that some of the things I consider saying under stress aren't productive, but also wish I would have just cut loose. I think it is a by-product of stress. Fight or Flight. Fighters shake hands when they step out of the Ring, Runners cool down. I carry the adreniline home.
Until your post, I didn't realize I saw alot of things as a battle.
It's a good topic that I will follow. Maybe I can learn to Waltz.
Am I a good dancer?
Only when I lead, I don't follow well at all. I keep stepping on my partners toes.
Edited 1/31/2007 12:46 am ET by dovetail97128
The best leaders have been good followers, and still know when to follow.With a customer, part of this dance is leading and following at teh same time. you never say no (well, almost never) and you study the client and know how to shepherd them. They love it when you use "their" ideas in the project.
Welcome to the Taunton University of Knowledge FHB Campus at Breaktime. where ... Excellence is its own reward!
Piffen, "" ;-) "" Forgot to add this to my post. I was refering to dancing to music with a partner. I have viewed every job since I was a lot younger than I am now as a dance. Whether dealing with customers of directing subs on 3 mil jobs. I have only had two jobs go really bad on me in 35+ yrs. and 95 % of my work thru the years has been true custom. I know that almost all my clients lived in their homes until either death or ill health made it impossible to do so .
Being able to understand that I am in the position of turning my clients dreams into reality has always come easily to me. Finding the middle ground that gives people what they need and satisfying my needs in the process is very important. The two jobs I had that went bad both shared one thing in common.. the clients disdain of trades people and their own sense of entitlement.
Communication is the key.
Edited 1/31/2007 12:04 pm ET by dovetail97128
That's the problem with mixed metaphors
Welcome to the Taunton University of Knowledge FHB Campus at Breaktime. where ... Excellence is its own reward!
It's easier to ride the horse in the direction it's going.
"Can that boy fox-trot...!"
I think a lot of it has to do with WHO I'm trying to dance with. I do all right with SOME partners, but I'd sure like to find a way to overlook the early flags. Seems like I am getting more sensitive to the signs than I used to be.
I think really good dancers have the ability to dance with a greater variety of personalities. Great ones can "get along with anyone".
Maybe it just comes naturally to some people and not others. I have found it to be a continuing challenge throughout my life. Probably my own insecurities showing, but it's a real challenge, nonetheless.Romania wasn't built in a day.
Don't feel too bad.
I would have to lower my standards to get along with almost anyone
Welcome to the Taunton University of Knowledge FHB Campus at Breaktime. where ... Excellence is its own reward!
My wife and I won a dance contest recently.
I love to dance.......not so much the ballroom kind, but to teach your feet to flow to the rythm-of-your-brain-kind is a wonderful experience....... tango is something I would like to learn, though.
I also enjoy mentally dancing around dialog....and seldom get annoyed while arguing any subject unless I feel I'm being disrespected...then the gloves come off.....and the two step becomes a hillbilly clogfest ...not a very graceful sight.......but it's all fun and games.
Edited 2/6/2007 1:00 pm ET by jjwalters
Jim,
Ive always kinda felt that you where one of the best dancers here. Or maybe its I just like the way you dance.
Must be those crazy legs of mine, huh?Romania wasn't built in a day.
Hi,
dancing just doesn't come easy to me. Life's lessons has taught me (some of) the steps.
I've found it best to "treat people they way you would like to be treated" - regardless.
Yeah, we can learn some of the steps, just like we learn to conform to other social norms. I just wonder, deep down, if we wouldn't all be better off just expressing ourselves honestly, though.
Seems like we often want to be something we're not cut out for, so we learn to mask that incompatibility. In the end though, whatever we achieve that we really aren't cut out for doesn't fulfill us.
Back to my nap.Romania wasn't built in a day.
I like your thought. Have a nice nap. ;-)
I haven't taken a life in the last 6 months ....
but I've pretty much had the worst run of run-in's in that time period ...
so I guess I'm doing OK?
do have 2 places I've subbed for on a list to take to court.
seriously ...
been a weird 6 months ...
thinking all my "clean living" hasn't been paying off? At least I make Big DanT laugh when I call with updates!
looking back .... 3 or so years leading up to that time ... pretty much stress free.
Just my time, I guess.
even the "non-stress" jobs were weird ...
bills got paid ... no one got killed(yet) ... life goes on.
Jeff
Buck Construction
Artistry In Carpentry
Pittsburgh Pa