Things are getting too serious over at the Tavern, so I thought maybe a little humor would brighten your day.

This is a story I wrote a few years back. It is not true, but humorous – especially if you like cats.

The job I’m currently working on is kinda neat. I’m custom building screen frames for a massive porch. The frames consist of an upper section, and a lower section, with a rail separating the two sections. The sections are about 10 feet long, and 4 feet high.  Each frame section is built of PT 2 x 2’s, with a special pet proof screening material. This stuff looks and feels like trampoline material. It is some kinda tough. The client is enclosing the porch to give some sanctuary, and a safe haven for her 5 cats. There’s Justin, who is a solid gray, short haired cat who just showed up one day. He is the oldest of the bunch, and the biggest. Then there’s Gussy. Gussy has a nerve problem, and her head is always tilted a little to the side. Looks kinda funny, but she has a great personality. Next is Peanut. Peanut is a solid white short haired Tom cat. He’s mean, and doesn’t like people. Next is Goober. Goober is a female long haired Calico. Very beautiful cat. Kinda shy, but is real friendly once she gets to know ya. Next is George.  George is a long haired white cat with beautiful blue eyes. He is friendly as can be, and very playful. He’s kinda small, but very resourceful. 

<!—-><!—-> <!—->

Anyway, as I got the first few sections up, including one of the end sections, I noticed that the screening material was EXTREMELY tight. If you tossed a quarter at it, you better duck cause that sucker is gonna come flying back at ya FAST.

<!—->  <!—->

Well, yesterday as I was cleaning up, I noticed my tape measure and a carpenter pencil were missing. I looked for a few minutes, but couldn’t find them. I gave up and figured I’d find them today. When I came back today, I didn’t find my tape measure or the pencil. What I did find was kind of strange. There on the deck of the porch were several dark pencil lines, and beside each line was a name. About twenty five feet away from the end frame was a dark pencil line with the word START printed in front of it.

<!—->  <!—->

My curiosity was really getting the best of me, and I looked closer at the other lines, and what was written by each of them. What I saw left me dumbfounded. The first line was about 10 feet from the end frame. Beside the line was the name Justin. The second line was about 18 inches past the first. It had the word Gussy written beside it. The third and fourth line were within inches of the rest, and beside them were the names Goober and Peanut. The fifth line was a good 15 feet from the end frame. Beside it was the name George.

<!—->  <!—->

Now I was really confused. These five names written beside the lines drawn on the porch were the names of my client’s cats. My curiosity was really going now. I shrugged it off and went back to work.

<!—->  <!—->

Just before it started getting dark tonight, I saw Gussy running by  – and I’ll be darned if she didn’t have my pencil in her mouth. As soon as she saw me, she high tailed it under the porch. A few minutes later, Justin ran by, and right there in his mouth was MY TAPE MEASURE! He went under the porch too. I couldn’t believe these little rascals had stolen my tape measure and pencil. What the heck were they up to?

<!—->  <!—->

Well, just about dark, I decided to stick around and see what they had going on. I sat by a tree, just out of their site, but I could see the porch perfectly. My wait was short, and in a few minutes, the porch lights came on. One by one the cats came out from underneath the porch, and all gathered at the line that said START. Justin had a whistle in his mouth, and the other cats all lined up next to the line that said START. The first in line was Peanut.

<!—->  <!—->

“What are they up to?â€,  I said to myself. It took about 2 seconds for me to see. Justin blew the whistle, and Peanut took off for all he was worth. He ran straight toward the end screen frame, and just before he got to it, he jumped in the air. Well, he hit that tight screen and came flying back toward the START line like nothing you’ve ever seen. When he landed, Justin came over to where he hit, and measured the distance. 18 feet that little bugger flew. WOW! He made a pencil line, and wrote Peanut  beside it. All the other cats clapped their paws together, and cheered (actually it was loud meowing). I was dumbfounded.

<!—->  <!—->

Next up was George. Now what makes George special is the fact that he is stone cold deaf. Can’t hear a thing. Nada. Well George steps up to the START line, and watches Justin. Instead of blowing the whistle, Justin raises his front paw, and then drops it suddenly. Well George takes off like lightning, and as he approaches the end frame, he jumps in the air. He hits that screen like a bowling ball being hurled by Superman, and he comes flying backwards toward the START line. Well, George is a bit of an acrobat, so he had to add a half gainer, and a double twist to the affair (all while being airborne). When he landed, the other cats went nuts. Well Justin got the tape measure out, marked the line, and wrote George beside it. Then he measured. 23 feet that little bugger flew. 23 feet! The other cats went nuts. They raised George on their backs and were prancing around cheering. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen. I got so caught up in the moment, I cheered too. That’s when they noticed me. All five of them buggers took off under the porch like crazy.  A few minutes later, George came back out and wrote something on the porch deck., then scampered back under the porch.

<!—->  <!—->

Well, curious as I am, I went up to the porch to see what ol’ George had written. When I read it, I laughed. Seems like tonight was the elimination round. Peanut and George had qualified the night before, and had their elimination round tonight to determine a house Champion. There was more. Seems tomorrow night is the neighborhood Championship. All the other neighborhood cats have been busy choosing their Champions too. Tomorrow night they will all meet for the finals. I have been officially invited.

<!—->  <!—->

I’m rooting for George. Who knows, maybe when they’re through I can get my tape measure and pencil back.