The history of 12ft pipe clamps or “How
In a perfect word everything would fit the first time and clients wouldn’t pick impossible choices for wooden counter tops. Nor would they decide that they have to have a “special front door†that is non-standard in height and width. So your question is valid as to why a man would need not one, not two, but three (yes three) 12 foot clamps. You see my current gig evolved the construction of an extra special wooden counter top constructed of “Osage Orangeâ€. For those of you who are now scratching your head and wondering just where have I heard about the use of Osage Orange before let me explain and scratch that itch of mental curiosity for you.
You see it was the Native American who discovery the evil nature of this wood. I’m sure like all great discoveries in the wood working world this one too was the result of a practical joke. Picture two stone age Native Americans wandering around the forest collecting wood because their wives were preparing T-Rex steaks for dinner and Joe reaches down picking up a piece of Osage Orange from the forest floor and tries to break it in half. Failing, his trusty sidekick Vic snatches the offending twig from Joe and starts bending it across his knee bending forward while grunting loudly. (Vic’s later ancestors would find fame in pro wrestling). As Vic applies force the wood bends and slips from his fingers (Vic had failed to fully remove T-Rex fat from his hands, so let that be lesson to all) and being the evil wood Osage Orange is it never (and I mean NEVER) misses a chance to perform evil deeds. It of course defied the laws of Newton (I really hate Newton and his laws) and struck Vic a wicket clout dropping him faster then the temperature in the room when I start a sentence with “Honey I’m thinking about a trip to the tool store†to my wife. Old Joe seeing all this starts thinking about his wife’s stringy T-rex steaks, and the marriage of sinew and wood is created called the “Bobâ€. Yes-dear reader, I know but it wasn’t until Joe sold his idea to Abe owner of Honest Abe’s Tepees that it was renamed (after a 6 month PR and market research) a bow.
So now you know the humble beginnings of Osage Orange a tree that Native Americans only use of was to harness its evil nature to create a killing instrument. So it was this killer wood that a client decided they just had to have for there center piece, just inside the front door, a wooden countertop of, yes you guessed it Osage Orange. Little was I to know about the true dark side of this evil wood. First you can only find pieces that have rested in wood supply houses since Abe of “Honest Abe’s Tepees†went bankrupt trying to deal with this true dark force in the wood family, non of which are anywhere close to the 11’foot needed to create this dark angel of a counter top. But, I wasn’t total seduced by this sinful alien wood, I found three times as much as needed placed it in the house to “acclimatize†and tried to become one with the wood. Every day I would walk past the stack and pause to study its grain and figure thinking about how these fiendish wooden planks could be persuaded to merge into a counter top that wouldn’t cause me to admit defeat or hide in shame. I admit I tried flattery, telling the stack just how pretty it’s figure was, gently running my finger tips lightly over it surface. I even tried to whisper to the wood but my flattery and pleading were to be of no use. I’ll await future bard’s in the telling of the fight, but the arrive of 3 shinny solid 12 foot pipe clamps riding in the back of that Dodge truck were the turning point in beating back the dark forces of “Osage Orangeâ€
Edited 10/27/2008 9:59 pm ET by IHammerI
Replies
“special front door,â€12 foot clamps,“Osage Orange,â€scratch that itch, stone age Native Americans,T-Rex steaks for dinner, grunting loudly, evil deeds, laws of Newton, “Honest Abe’s Tepees†went bankrupt, become one with the wood, running my finger tips lightly over it surface,Dodge truck, beating back the dark forces of “Osage Orangeâ€
Of course!!
12-foot clamps!!
Why didn't I think of that!!
Sheesh!
;-)
OK, it's been 4 days since the clamps arrived ... aren't you DONE yet?!
Where's the rest of the tale! you have me hooked!
ya, that's some good readin' goin' on right there.
I tink da award ceremonies will start 'fore the finis.Behind the ostensible government sits enthroned an invisible government owing no allegiance and acknowledging no responsibility to the people. [Theodore Roosevelt]
It seems to me that perhaps you need to ascertain the facts in your historical tale. Perhaps a continuation of this tale would be in order to truly appreciate the length and depth of the need for clamps of such magnitude. For perhaps you are overstating the true nature of this wood. Is it truly evil? Or are your perceptions based on your own bias towards easier to manage woods?