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"I have learned so much thanks to the searchable articles on the FHB website. I can confidently say that I expect to be a life-long subscriber." - M.K.
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Father in law on the subject of company president being on the floor--label printing plant: "It's like a bucket of shit, it doesn't stink till you stir it up,"
My plumber has one, something about "it's like tits on a bull," haven't been able to work that one into conversation yet.
*I can work that one in on a daily basis! "It's been so freakin' hot lately that my whole crew has been worthless as tits on a bull.... for 2 weeks now" Brian K.
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Pete,
The best one I've heard in a long time was from you:
"Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest"
Pure Gold.
I used to say about one of my employees who bitched all the time:
"If you give him a $100 bill, he'd bitch about having to go to the bank".
I once had an employee who told me he needed Friday off to go to the post office. The post office?
I also had a guy working for me who told me not to give him anything to do because if I did, nothing would get done. An honest man.
One of my favorite lines is when a customer tells me not to do something, I tell them I can not do something better than anyone else in town. And there will be no charge.
Ed. Williams
*Never attribute to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.
*There ain't no need in working and being hungry too.
*From a friends grandfather, on getting rich. "You can only eat one breakfast."From Booger, after assembling a sidelite with no insulation. " I'm dumb enough to be twins."
*"You wouldn't worry so much about what people thought of you if you realized how little they did"
*"Free advice is worth about what you paid for it". L. Siders
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The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
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From my old man. . .
> "There's two kinds of wealth, those that have everything, and those that need nothing."
As a kid I thought it was seriously corny. . . I see it differently now.
-pm
*"Free advice is the hardest to collect, from clients" Gabe Martel
*Adrian, I'm tellin' you... Booger's a Classic. Have him sign a contract, with you as promoter. He's the lost "Smothers Brother" for certain.
*Having done so much, for so long, with so little, we will now attempt to do the impossible with nothing.JonC
*What's that old saying?A wise man can pretend to be a fool, but a fool cannot pretend to be a wise man.Said by someone, somewhere.Ed. Williams
*"If you can read this bumper sticker, I am out of oil"
*Old Buck told me: "I'll bet you a dollar to a goose turd, and you can hold the stakes in your mouth."blue
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"Caulk and paint, make a carpenter what he ain't,"..been haunting me for years.
In retaliation to a painter telling me that,"Painter needs a crack pipe to get 'em through the night."
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That's the ticket! He could be their back-up guy!
*This one has come in handy for me many times, especially when I'm doing something on a volunteer basis: "I'll do the work or I'll take your shit. But I won't do the work AND take your shit."
*"Genius is 5% inspiration, 95% perspiration" Ben Franklin or Einstein or Edison, I can't remember which.
*Here's another one from Booger, on being married for a long time."Now my wife goes and hates me in public."He's good for a laugh, but he's going to be pretty competent, and he's one of the best men I've been associated with.
*An old plumber friend of mine uses this one Alot" You know son, there is an asshole for every toilet seat"
*"Perfection is the enemy of good." Dennis
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Joseph FuscoView Image
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Rhetorical question attributed to my Aunt Doreen at a family reunion many years ago after a particularly boisterous group laugh about something or other.....
"who has more fun than people"
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Hi Guys,
My grandmother is alive and well at 101.
On the occasion of her 100th birthday, a reporter asked her the secret for her having lived this long and she replied "Not dying".
Gabe
*Better to remain silent and appear to be a fool ,than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
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Got lots for this one..
2 from R.A.H.
"Be wary of strong drink, it will make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss"
"It is better to copulate than never"
The Law of Conservation of Pain, by Spider Robinson
"There is only so much pain or joy in the universe, but one can be changed into the other" and its corollary "Pain shared is halved, and joy shared is doubled"
and of course, that universal truth - "Never laugh at live dragons"
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Joseph Fusco
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*Been there, done that.Dennis
*Had a 75 year old neighbor lady who decided to get back into a social life after her husband died and began going to senior citizen's dances. Asked her one day how life was treating her and she said "I haven't had so much fun since the pigs ate my little brother"!
*This is a bastardization of the original quote!
*So was I even close?
*From my good buddy Michael S. Campbell. "It's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission." The guy gets a lot done."Breakfast is the most important beer of the day." that's mine.
*" You've got to be careful if you dont know where you're going , because you might not get there ." Yogi Berra " I always keep a supply of liquor handy in case I see a snake ---- which I also keep handy " W.C. Fields
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Ive got a few words of wisdom for you guys......
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Ken Kesey to Tom Wolfe, when the white suited dandy got upset about some paint on his suit from the Pranksters bus:
> "You can't get into something without getting some of it on ya."
*With all the heat these days, another one of my favorites has come to mind."I'm sweating like a whore on judgement day."My buddy John says, in reply to to having no use for something: " I need that like a fish needs a raincoat."Jim at the bodyshop will always demonstrate the lighter side of things by saying:"Well...it's better than a poke in the ass with a sharp stick."Just a few more for your enjoyment,Pete Draganic
*"Never look back; something might be gaining" - Satchel Paige
*Be careful what you ask for....you may get it!
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"I only drink when I'm alone, or with someone" - anonymous
"You can't get there from here"
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The version of this that I remember was; We the unwilling, led by the unknowing, have done so much with so little, for so long, that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
*Hey, that's not anonymous. Robert Mitchum (I calls him Mitch) , can't remeber the movie, he plays a sort of priest with a machine gun in a violin case. Another of his lines (remeber he's a priest). "Lay me beside distilled waters."
*From Proverbs 20(14) KJV---..." It is naught, it is naught, saith the buyer: but when he is gone his way, then he boasteth ".From Proverbs 23(9) KJV---..." Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words ".From Tao Te Ching - number sixty eight---..." A good soldier is not violent. A good fighter is not angry. A good winner is not vengeful. A good employer is humble. This is known as the Virtue of not striving. This is known as ability to deal with people. This since ancient times has been known as the ultimate unity with heaven".Hope this helps.
*More confused than a baby in a topless bar.
*I feel about as welcome as a bastard child on fathers day
*After he'd watched a pretty girl go by, my Grandfather used to look over at me and say, "doesnt matter where a man gets his appetite, long as he eats at home".JonC
*I had a boss once who used to stop whiners mid sentence by asking, "So what is your BIGGEST problem?" It quickly put everything into perspective!She was also famous for saying, "Everyone is entitled to my opinion!"
*"Damned is the dog who returns to his own vomit." ProverbsThat's about as much of the Bible as I understand, but I think they're words to live by.
*" most of the money I spent on loose women and liquor, the rest I spent foolishly"- Cowboy
*My Dad, Orv, taught me that "Some people complain when they get hung with a new rope." Remind you of any clients?Here are some gems from a favorite writer, Edward Abbey...Society is like a stew. If you don't keep it stirred up, you get a lot of scum at the top.The best people, like the best wines, come from the hills.Woman truly are better than men. Otherwise they would be intolerable.If wilderness is outlawed, only outlaws can save the wilderness.Concrete is heavy;iron is hard-but the grass will prevail.Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.Everyone should learn a manual trade: It's never too late to become an honest person.
*Sign in my shop for about 20 years says;b Rush Job Policy b If you want it bad, you get it badc andb The worse you want it, the worse you get it!
*"Everything is always in the way", and"Every goddamned little thing has to be a pain in the ass". Occasionally heard by those who hang around me while I'm working.More frequently heard is: "f$#%ingmotherf#$$ings%$#onashingleb$$S..."
*Signs from my grandfather's plumbing shop -"We have no quarrel with those who undersell us, they ought to know what their product is worth."Picture of two bums sitting on a park bench - one says to the other, "No SOB ever undersold ME!"
*Some more to live by.."Success comes in cans;Failure comes in cant's.""A shut mouth gathers no foot.""There is a name for people who are not excited about their work - unemployed."
*Or ... an expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until they know absolutely everything about nothing at all.
*Hi andrew d., Hope you are well.I could not resist the temptation to respond, as Proverbs begins by saying...(verse 2 KJV):... "To know wisdom and instruction; to perceive the words of understanding;(3)...To receive the instruction of wisdom, justice, and judgement , and equity; "May I respectfully suggest the worthiness of this reading, as a reminder of what you may already know.Thanks for this opportunity...Hope this helps.
*Why are there more horses' asses in the world than there are horses?
*My brother told my mom after being told to slow down " I never drive faster than I can see " . On the same note , if your driving your car at the speed of light and turn on your headlights , will anything happen ?
*It is my understanding that if you are driving a car at the speed of light, at night, and turn on the headlights, from your perspective the result would be the same as it is when you are traveling at 30 mph. You will see the road light up from your headlights.Everything is relative.Rich Beckman
*If you are driving a car at the speed of light, you are not driving a Pinto."186,000 miles per second -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law"-- UNIX
*I thought an expert was defined as ..X ....an unknown quantitySpurt...a drip under pressure.
*Katie,Did you learn that in Portfolio restructuring? :)
*He who hesitates is lost.My old man would tell the story.As a nine year old immigrating from Italy to Australia. It was polite in his society for a child, when offered a refreshment, to refuse politely. It was only after the offer is made about three times that you can accept.The scene.A school Break up party.Luigi has been in the country a few months. Very little English ( but still has his manners ). " Luigi... have a softdrink?""No, No, thank you " ( waiting for the next round of offers )" O.K suit yourself" ( no more offers forthcoming)He soon forgot his Italian manners.
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One of my favorite movie lines:
"I've never been lost! Fearsome confused for a month or two, but never lost!"
And another: "No matter where you go, there you are." I used to have that one in Latin as my motto, but I can't recall it anymore.
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A friend of mine after being told he was lazy- "I ain't scared of hard work, I can lay down right next to it and go to sleep."
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Lisa, You have given, as is said in certain areas, mad props to Buckaroo Banzai.
In response to Rich B, a friends Grandmas' philosophy was, if your ever lost, follow a tractor trailer, they are always headed toward industry, and therfore, civilization. (She did grow up in the sticks, please note.)
*Busier then a one-armed New York Cabbie wit' crabs
*busier then a cat inna room full of rockin' chairs
*or busier then a dog inna hub-cap factory
*Blessed are the cheesemakers.....
*H*ll yes! Always wish they'd made more of those B.B. movies. Guess they all got too famous. sigh...
*"Never lost money on the job I didn't get"
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Never saw a problem that couldn't be solved with the correct applcation of high expolsive
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Joke'em if they can't take a F**K.
I'm never lost, just temporarily misplaced.
No matter how many times I cut this board it's still too damn short.
One for the ladies; what's the difference between a pig and a woman? a pig doesn't get drunk and act like a woman! ......sorry....
and remember(author Mike Bukowski where ever you are) Genius has it's limits,but stupidity knows no bounds!
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Common sense is nothing more then genius in working clothes...
My favorite from my grandfather
*one of my more favorite comebacks when dealing with know it all's want to be carpenter's after they tell me how long they have been doing something And after all those years and you still can't do it right?
*The variation heard in these parts:As useless as tits on a boar hog.
*Diapers and politicians need changing regularly -for the same reason.
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Whats sauce for the goose is gravy for the chicken
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Don't write out a check with your mouth that your ass can't cash.
*Twenty-five years of experience...or...One year of experience twenty-five times.
*Don't write a check with your mouth that your ass can't cash.
*comment by my client while we spent the afternoon watching his three teenage sons trying to haul a 500# cast iron boiler up the cellar steps:"Three monkeys f***ing a football!"All three of them are weight heads eager to display their balls. When they finally got the beast out of that extra deep cellar, the old man and I lifted 'er up 5' onto the tail gate of the dump truck.....after we removed the jacket and separated the CI block into 5 easy sections.
*Saw this on a bumper sticker last week in Wyoming:> "I'd rather be pushing a Ford than driving a Chevy"
*I may not always be right but I am never wrong.What was the fastest thing in world war two ?
*No matter how you wrap it its the same old baloney
*My folks bought a one of those wooden trinket signs that are salami cut out of logs. Printed on the sign is:Vy ar der zo miny mor orrziz azziz dan der is orrziz?I have this hangin on the pegboard in my shop. I get a boot out of people trying to figure out what it says. Some get it right away, most struggle. One of the guys who worked for me read it and struggled for a week. He came into one morning with a grin on his face because he had just deciphered the words!Tom
*I heard that one asi I may make a mistake, but I'm never wrongori I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
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Pete,
How about...."It's better to remain silent and appear dumb,....then to open ones mouth and remove all doubt."
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In the spirit of famous last words and humorous business cards I thought I would start up a thread about not so famous but funny quotes from folks who are still alive. A friend of mine, who owns the bodyshop up the street, is always good for such words of wisdom but one in particular always sticks in my head.
I asked him once what he knew about electricity and he thought for a moment and said "Well....If you took everything I know about electricity and rammed it up a gnat's ass and enlarged it ten thousand times, it would rattle around like a BB in a box car."
Let's have some fun with this one. I could use the levity.
Pete Draganic
*Hugo, watch out..."I give a sh--------------i-------------i-------------i-------------oof." (he refrained from further roofing)
*Anybody heard that Chris Rock routine about the "Million Man March" and Marion Barry? Sidesplittin' funny. Don't try to listen while you're driving, too dangerous!
*"Never call a woman a bitch. It glorifies the woman and demeans the dog." Mark Twain
Unofficial motto of Orcas Island in WA state:
"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
"Man is the only animal that blushes.....or needs to" Twain